Back by popular demand

Hello, I am back by popular demand. Today one of my audience of approximately 3 indicated that they rather missed my blog, so I am back. Things sure have changed around here! Yep, I no longer have naps in the afternoons, they have been replaced by an hour of aerobics. No more ready made meals either, they have been replaced by cooked from scratch creations by moi! Things actually ate celery, leeks and some other vegetables the other day. Disguised as soup. I no longer spend hours on facebook or computer but have been going out for walks with thing two and we have a nightly read-in. I have a new cat. It is white and I found it in the street wandering about trying to get food. Invited it in and it has never left. Only has half a tail mind you. Cannot believe how filthy it gets.....keeps climbing up chimney. Her name is Lily.
My Mother is looking forward to her wedding. I visited the other day to see dress. There we were examining the hem when we realised that thing two had been very quiet. Any parent will tell you that this is a bad sign. Suddenly she appeared in the parlour (yes mother has a parlour) holding a bloody great croaking frog!!!! I nearly died convulsing! After much hoo haring we persuaded her to put it back in the pond where she'd got it. My mothers wedding plans are going well, she has managed to get most amazing dress from Oxfam. She told me she wanted everyone to be as relaxed as possible. No dress code or formality etc etc. She said she didn't mind what anyone wore or anything, then she asks me what I'm wearing. "Oh, my Ted Baker silk dress" I says. The look of disappointment on her face! OMG! "Doesn't it make you look rather busy?" she enquires "I was hoping you'd wear your races dress...." Well of all the cheek. So, I'm now wearing my races dress. Then she starts on my hair.
Her "How are you wearing your hair?
Me "Errr curly, I expect"
Her with look of total dismay "Oh, but it would look so much better up"
Me "But I feel nice with curls"
Her "don't you care what you look like"
Me....unsaid but I was thinking. Mother you are treading on seriously dangerous ground here. ~Think this is rich coming from some one who once wore vertical stripes on trousers and horizontal stripes on top, I actually refused to go out of front door with her until she changed. This was some years ago.
I am wearing hair curly whether she like it or not.
Secret Lover and I have had several fundez-vous. He has enlisted my help to try and get into politics. So, I have suggested that step number one should be to join the masons. HA ha Grafitti would be turning in his grave, if he were dead, which he is not, as Thing two saw him the other day and informed us all that he has a new cardigan. Grafitti considered that the Masons were route of all evil and that they baby sacrificing gang of peads and murdering illuminati.
I don't believe a word of it. Think they just rather eccentric organisation of professionals who consider themselves a bit superior who wear strange aprons and have odd codes of conduct. Think it would be good to get invited to one of their shindigs. I looking forward to it. Have some other steps for Secret Lover to tread for his career in politics. Before I go one last thing. Today I have had brace fitted to upper teeth so I now speak with lisps. Am unable to say the words; Brenda, Tracey, Chris or Rowena. People with L's in their names should be ok.
Mint x

Terrible September

Well, September has got off to what can only be described as a dreadful start. After our Canary Holiday in Lanzagrote and Tenergrife I came back, did my 8 loads of washing, made 12 jars of jam and existed in quite a peaceful and serene state for a week which then became an even more tranquil when Thing Two went to Whitby for a week with POD. On her return we had the build up to going back to school, which has obviously now happened but not without trauma, tantrums and massive failures on my part. Firstly, and all of this is the tame part, I forgot to buy polo tops, I'd forgotten that I binned the whole lot of them at tail end of last term in a bid to get thing two to wear the 6 dresses that I'd bought, I figured if I threw the winter uniform in bin she'd have no choice...this worked...well it would wouldn't it. God I'm clever!!! Anyway, I'd forgotten all about the tops. Bought new trousers, hairbands, skirts etc etc but when we came to lay it all out it was quite apparent that something major missing, so I phoned the shop which had just shut and literally begged them to reopen. They having none of it so we had to camp out at 8:45 on the first day of term outside shop with all the other twits that had done the same thing. Late on first day of term...entirely down to silly Mummy. Thing two had a birthday and I had the entire family round...this is where it gets interested. You see the day before Thing two's birthday I had the prawn round for sunday dinner and I phoned thing one at 6:00pm to tell her to make her way home for dinner...did she come, did she heck. Nope she turned up at 9pm in the dark after I'd spent 3 hours going potty, phoning people and generally having kittens. Her excuse for being late was that she'd been attacked by a tramp in WH smith!!! Her friend Gobby had told her that the tramp she was stood next to was a tramp and a pervert and Thing one had exclaimed and overracted. Which annoyed tramp greatly who got hold of her outside shop by her shirt and told her he might be a tramp but she was a tramp too and that she was a fucking bitch!! Thing one now scared of being in bed at night. Anyway after that she encountered some boys one of whom Gobby had been out with..this guy is called Jay and is 3 years older than them and by all accounts is a nasty piece of work, he smokes, drinks, has quit school and will no doube end up in prison before long, well there's a bit of a problem with him and his friends and it ends up with him chasing thing one, gobby and their two friends wielding a knife...yes a knife..all the way down to the train station. Thing one was picked up by a friend of mind and taken home. I was out at Much Hadham Fete, watching a dog show when she got back and feeling scared of being alone she'd gone back out again, Gobby lost her phone and the pair of them decided to look for it, hence lateness. Thing one spend evening in room with her dinner and is grounded for one week. The day after thing two's birthday I went to work and Thing one snuck out, breaking her house arrest only to turn up dripping wet at 3pm having been chucked in the River Stort. Yes I at end of tether...totally and utterly. At Thing two's party entire family spent whole hour lecturing thing one about her appalling behaviour.
More to follow....
Minty xx
Ps I am bundle of nerves