Friday, tails and Hitler

Yippppeee it's friday and I'm about to go out after eventful week. Tonight I have finally given in and got some leggings, well they're jeggings actually, suspect I look a bit like Rod Stewart but this is what people wear (well teenagers actually). I have also borrowed thing one's straighteners and her necklace that she got out of Primark. Shame my hair appointment not till Monday.
I am much deserving of night out after seriously acrimonious split with Secret Lover, I wasn't going to say what his revelation was as I would be too ashamed to say it if it were me but he unrepentant and we have had considerable arguement over it all done by text. So if thinks its ok to think like that then he wont mind me publishing it will he? What happened was when we got up on saturday he was singing if I ruled the world and I muttered under my breath. "if you ruled the world we'd all be in trouble" after a few minutes of telling me what he'd do to make it a better place he announced that Hitler was one of his greatest heroes. I had no idea how I was going to react and I reacted rather badly, evoked huge amount of feeling in me. By the time ~I'd driven away any affection I had had drained out of me, weird. It was actually a physical thing. Anyway, it's over, I have a transcript of a text session which I will publish next week. Just to remind myself..lest I forget and are tempted to start seeing him again. Don't suppose he's ever been dumped on moral grounds but hopefully he will realise that his opinions can turn people against him.
Other main event of week was to do with the gerbils. I was downstairs when I heard this shriek and after running up stairs I was greeted with tearful thing two cradling small gerbil with tail missing. Tail was down loo and all that was left of it was long thin exposed bone, it had literally fallen off like a glove. Blood everywhere, she'd tried to wash it in the sink. Thought I might faint but after phoning ex husband turns out this is normal. WEll wonders never cease do they! Our world is indeed a strange place.
mint xx

Grrr Get me outta this mess

Happy Saturday morning!
I am sat with my mother, we are shortly going to the church to have the new cat blessed. This morning I got up at 7:30 and went and got Lily a little cat carrier, a heart shaped bowl and a red velvet collar with diamonte studs on it. Am most looking forward to event. My mothers boyfriend has just put up my new blinds....was supposed to having new flooring put down in thing one's room but it hasn't arrived. I have decorated her room. This act came very close to total diaster when my mother came to help and we decided (I decided) to cover up the outline of the pink flowers on thing ones wallpaper before we painted it pink. So, I did the coving and handed my mother tin of undercoat, at no point did she tell me she was painting gloss undercoat onto my emulsion walls!!!!! So, you can imagine my surprise when after I painted it pink it was covered in giant darker pink spots where the emulsion had't been absorbed. I just stood there open moutheed staring in horror at total mess! Then we kind of fell about and I laughed hysterically, well it was either tht or cry. Today I am feeling somewhat out of sorts. Last night I went out with Secret Lover and stayed at his house last night. We had a really wicked night out..but this marred this morning when he made a revelation which turned my heart to stone. Not sure whether to reveal it in here. I personally would be ashamed to say what he said..let alone think it. It goes against the grain of any compassionate person. Anyone with an anounce of decency would not think that way and would think the entire opposite. I am appalled and not sure what to do. In fact I am withdrawing my support in all ways and would rather drink my own vomit through a straw than spend one more minute with him...I am that disgusted. So actually I do know what to do...as I've just said it. To tell him or not..that is the question. Perhaps I will simply pull back and cease to communicate. I am sure that he can live without me quite happily.
mint xx
Ps it is now 4 hours since writing the above. The time finally came to tke the cat to the church. Do you think I could find cat. Hell no. Cat vanished. GGGGGGR. Even more pissed off. Cat has since reappeared sopping wet. Cat not blessed.
Minty x

Back by popular demand

Hello, I am back by popular demand. Today one of my audience of approximately 3 indicated that they rather missed my blog, so I am back. Things sure have changed around here! Yep, I no longer have naps in the afternoons, they have been replaced by an hour of aerobics. No more ready made meals either, they have been replaced by cooked from scratch creations by moi! Things actually ate celery, leeks and some other vegetables the other day. Disguised as soup. I no longer spend hours on facebook or computer but have been going out for walks with thing two and we have a nightly read-in. I have a new cat. It is white and I found it in the street wandering about trying to get food. Invited it in and it has never left. Only has half a tail mind you. Cannot believe how filthy it gets.....keeps climbing up chimney. Her name is Lily.
My Mother is looking forward to her wedding. I visited the other day to see dress. There we were examining the hem when we realised that thing two had been very quiet. Any parent will tell you that this is a bad sign. Suddenly she appeared in the parlour (yes mother has a parlour) holding a bloody great croaking frog!!!! I nearly died convulsing! After much hoo haring we persuaded her to put it back in the pond where she'd got it. My mothers wedding plans are going well, she has managed to get most amazing dress from Oxfam. She told me she wanted everyone to be as relaxed as possible. No dress code or formality etc etc. She said she didn't mind what anyone wore or anything, then she asks me what I'm wearing. "Oh, my Ted Baker silk dress" I says. The look of disappointment on her face! OMG! "Doesn't it make you look rather busy?" she enquires "I was hoping you'd wear your races dress...." Well of all the cheek. So, I'm now wearing my races dress. Then she starts on my hair.
Her "How are you wearing your hair?
Me "Errr curly, I expect"
Her with look of total dismay "Oh, but it would look so much better up"
Me "But I feel nice with curls"
Her "don't you care what you look like"
Me....unsaid but I was thinking. Mother you are treading on seriously dangerous ground here. ~Think this is rich coming from some one who once wore vertical stripes on trousers and horizontal stripes on top, I actually refused to go out of front door with her until she changed. This was some years ago.
I am wearing hair curly whether she like it or not.
Secret Lover and I have had several fundez-vous. He has enlisted my help to try and get into politics. So, I have suggested that step number one should be to join the masons. HA ha Grafitti would be turning in his grave, if he were dead, which he is not, as Thing two saw him the other day and informed us all that he has a new cardigan. Grafitti considered that the Masons were route of all evil and that they baby sacrificing gang of peads and murdering illuminati.
I don't believe a word of it. Think they just rather eccentric organisation of professionals who consider themselves a bit superior who wear strange aprons and have odd codes of conduct. Think it would be good to get invited to one of their shindigs. I looking forward to it. Have some other steps for Secret Lover to tread for his career in politics. Before I go one last thing. Today I have had brace fitted to upper teeth so I now speak with lisps. Am unable to say the words; Brenda, Tracey, Chris or Rowena. People with L's in their names should be ok.
Mint x

Terrible September

Well, September has got off to what can only be described as a dreadful start. After our Canary Holiday in Lanzagrote and Tenergrife I came back, did my 8 loads of washing, made 12 jars of jam and existed in quite a peaceful and serene state for a week which then became an even more tranquil when Thing Two went to Whitby for a week with POD. On her return we had the build up to going back to school, which has obviously now happened but not without trauma, tantrums and massive failures on my part. Firstly, and all of this is the tame part, I forgot to buy polo tops, I'd forgotten that I binned the whole lot of them at tail end of last term in a bid to get thing two to wear the 6 dresses that I'd bought, I figured if I threw the winter uniform in bin she'd have no choice...this worked...well it would wouldn't it. God I'm clever!!! Anyway, I'd forgotten all about the tops. Bought new trousers, hairbands, skirts etc etc but when we came to lay it all out it was quite apparent that something major missing, so I phoned the shop which had just shut and literally begged them to reopen. They having none of it so we had to camp out at 8:45 on the first day of term outside shop with all the other twits that had done the same thing. Late on first day of term...entirely down to silly Mummy. Thing two had a birthday and I had the entire family round...this is where it gets interested. You see the day before Thing two's birthday I had the prawn round for sunday dinner and I phoned thing one at 6:00pm to tell her to make her way home for dinner...did she come, did she heck. Nope she turned up at 9pm in the dark after I'd spent 3 hours going potty, phoning people and generally having kittens. Her excuse for being late was that she'd been attacked by a tramp in WH smith!!! Her friend Gobby had told her that the tramp she was stood next to was a tramp and a pervert and Thing one had exclaimed and overracted. Which annoyed tramp greatly who got hold of her outside shop by her shirt and told her he might be a tramp but she was a tramp too and that she was a fucking bitch!! Thing one now scared of being in bed at night. Anyway after that she encountered some boys one of whom Gobby had been out with..this guy is called Jay and is 3 years older than them and by all accounts is a nasty piece of work, he smokes, drinks, has quit school and will no doube end up in prison before long, well there's a bit of a problem with him and his friends and it ends up with him chasing thing one, gobby and their two friends wielding a knife...yes a knife..all the way down to the train station. Thing one was picked up by a friend of mind and taken home. I was out at Much Hadham Fete, watching a dog show when she got back and feeling scared of being alone she'd gone back out again, Gobby lost her phone and the pair of them decided to look for it, hence lateness. Thing one spend evening in room with her dinner and is grounded for one week. The day after thing two's birthday I went to work and Thing one snuck out, breaking her house arrest only to turn up dripping wet at 3pm having been chucked in the River Stort. Yes I at end of tether...totally and utterly. At Thing two's party entire family spent whole hour lecturing thing one about her appalling behaviour.
More to follow....
Minty xx
Ps I am bundle of nerves

still in Tenerife

Well here I am again in sweaty casino where the cheap internet kiosks are. Been for lovely Italian meal today, last night was chinese, which we trailed across town for, right `past all the more upmarket and swanky hotels. Hotel Tropical Gardens rathe r alot nicer than Palm Beach Club. I said yesterday that the presentation was 5 hours long, and so it was but to be fair it was quite fair. I am reckoning that they profiled me and matche dme to sales rep with lots in common. Lynsay very nice and very like me so after 5 hours of chatting I was very at home in her company. I´ve also sussed that part of the sales patter is that they tell you they will get rocketed by the boss if you don´t buy or invest, this it to make you feel guilty. Then the boss comes over at the end and actually tells the sales rep off right in front of you and leaves a really sour note to whole experience. I care not. Lynsay just bought an Alfa Romeo T Spark so she´s doin ok. and Slime bucket boss from Surrey was just vile. I no feel guilty, and I told him I was there for the cheap holiday that they offered me and that I´d upheld my obligations and thats all that is required of me.
Can´t wait to come home. Want to see my secret lover.
the things have been really good today and they were pretty good throughout the 5 hr presentation yesterday as well. But I seem to have spent a ridiculous amount of money on eating out, so may have to be a bit more frugal for rest of hols. thing two had some cornrows in Lanzarote but we took them out yesterdya as they falling out and looking horrid. Also on last night in Lanzarote we went in club house and played Deal or No deal and drank (well I did anyway) loads a cocktails. Harvey Wallpaper Hangers and we actually won a prize...a jar of pasta sauce, some pasta shapes and a camel lolly. Then this woman from Newport (almost everyone there was from Newport) fell over and knocked herself out and they had to call for an ambulance. It´s all go in Lanzarote!! Thing two won the weeks colouring competition. Top Star Thing Two! Tenerife not as hot as Lanzarote. Lanzarote like furnace. In face our Road was called the Avenida de Cauldron. Ha ha. Gotta go, am over heating here and think I could do with another drink.
xxx
ps the sand here is dark grey and when its wet it goes black and sludgy. Girls love it.

Tenerife

well I´m still on my vacation. We are now in Tenerife. Had massive massive row in cabin of ferry en-route. Journey from hell . Felt like I was confined in cage with 2 wild animals. They have fought like cat and dog. They have been much better since only batteirng each other a few times since. If I was ever concerned that thing one was becoming anorexic I know realise I don´t need to worry. She is a total gannet and can easily out eat me at any given moment. I have never seen such consumption. Lost phrase book just when I needed it most at the port in Gran Canaria where we were held in limbo. Got the massive hump as whole place filled with machines for coffee, ice cream etc except that no change available and morons behind kiosks non cooperative. So have taken to speaking in English but just adding io on end of everything ie. changio, stupidio, cowio, tosserio, wankerio. you get the picture. Anyway here we are at our luxury timeshare accommodation, which i got at expensive of 100 pounds on condition that io attend presentation, which was today. OK guess how long it ttok? 5 hours!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yeah, but did not buyt one evenb when snake from Surrey got decidedly shitty. Gotta go time running out and am tired. xxxx

Canary Adventure

I am in an internet cafe in Lanzagrote. I´ve just stuffed myself and the things with amazing tapas. So good and total bill only came to 22 euros including drinks. It´s been spectactularly hot and I have gone and got as usual a wee bit of suburn. But as I bought this special aloe vera 100% lotion it shouldn´t be a problem. Apparently it cure pretty much everything. I have also got conjunctivitus. Bout right for holidays. This particularly holiday got off to a bad note but has settled down and we´re having a good time. The things drove me to complete distraction for the first 2 days, what with their stupid tantrums, swearing, fighting, moaning and general spoil behaviour. Threatened them with coming home early ... I really meant it too. Thing two succumbed to my nagging to go to the kids club and I went out and found another teenage thing and invited her to our apartment to play Klutz with thing one. (cut out paper dolls) Chloe goes to a private school in oxford and starts school at 8 and finishes at 8pm everynight, I suspect they have zero in common. They just sat and giggled for 10 minutes and then apparently after 20 minutes of being left alone they finally spoke to each other. God this is hard work. Thing two has cornrows, which have bits of sunburn in between them. A nice lady from Senegal did them. Apparently Senegal is quite close by. We managed to get ourselves to a very hot market the other day and bought lots of random items, incluidng the aloe vera stuff, a purse, a bracelet and a tile with the words lanzarote on it. Something else which iç can´t recall. I was then ill that night...too much sun, stress, and lasagne. Was proper ill in loo. I had also pulled muscle in shoulder and things being very unsympathetic. Twas round about this time that I issued threat. Shoulder much better as are my nervers. Managed to read my book for a whole 2 hours under palm tress today. Persuasion by Jane Austen. Anyway, we´re moving islands in a day or so, so will report back soon xxx