Jamaica

Holiday
On May 31st Thing one and I set off on a little Caribbean adventure.  Much as I'd like to say it was Reggae, Rum and fun that would be a little far from the truth, there was Reggae, there was copious amounts of Rum and yes some fun was involved but ha ha there is a catch.  I had a teenager with me. One who wouldn't shift out of first gear on the morning of our flight.  Consequently I had to tear round the M25 with my foot flat to the floor cursing at her to speak louder when giving me the instructions on how to get there (she was either whispering or my ears have gone as well as my eyesight).  With my heart pounding and having kittens we finally pulled into the carpark at Gatwick Airport, I still wasn't even sure we were at the right carpark but it was a park with cars in and that was good enough.  We were in the right place. Then there was a bus to take us to the terminal, kittens still emerging we finally got into a queue the length of John O'Groats to Lands End, oddly enough we were the last of the 275 passengers bound for Montego Bay to check in and with no seats left together and thing one still glued to her blackberry I finally lost it and shrieked at her did she understand what that meant.  "What?" said the gormless thing stood next to me .  "We can't sit together" I said a little bit too happily. "I'm not sitting anywhere but with you" she whispers but just loud enough for poor lady on desk who's already told me she was busting for a pee and had been for the last hour. "She's 13" I announced by way of explanation. She promptly stuck us in First Class.  Anything to get rid of us and rush off to the loo. What a result. Flight was delayed...tut tut First Choice.  I kept glancing on the board at the word  "Delayed" and all of a sudden it changed to "Flight Closing". Well you'd have to have been there to appreciate how funny it was to see 275 people dive from shops, drop their forks, grab their baggage and all head at top speed to the Gate, it was truly hysterical. People were literally sprinting to it.  Then we all sat in the gate area for 20 minutes until it opened. Of course,  if you travel first class you'll know that you get to get on first anyway. Thing one broke her shoes in the dash. As I'd asked her about 300 times to pack you'd have thought she'd have brought some others but no, just a pair of flip flops, in fact her case was pretty much empty.  I suppose I could've done it for her but I didn't, I figured that one really needs to get to grips with packing at some point.  Women on desk actually said "Wow, this case is very light - is there actually anything in it".  Once finally on the plane I spent the entire time getting exceedingly drunk whilst chatting to dreadlocked giant man sat next to me.  I've never got drunk on a plane before and its not something I'd recommend.  Its one thing to have your bedroom spinning but to have the plane doing it is gross.  So that was the journey.  Jamaica is extraordinarily beautiful. Outside our apartment which was quite high up there were the hugest butterflies I've ever seen, hundreds of them, all different colours.  To the back of the apartment were trees, trees, and more trees.  I even spotted a hummingbird one morning. The sky was brilliant blue, the sand powdery and white and the sea filled with tropical fish that swam right up to you.  Blues, purples, stipey orange and white. Spent quite a bit of time snorkeling whilst building up my tan.  Now did I go a nice sunkissed shade of caramel or did I resemble a pink and white striped zebra for the best part of the holiday? I'll let you figure that out.  I met adorable friends, Mel, Kel, and Smell.  I'll let you decide for yourself as well on this one by checking out the photo.  Adorable or rough as old crocodile skins?  But they kept us company at night anyhow.  Thing one developed a clam like approach to anyone that spoke to her.  Which proved rather embarrasing for her. She also wouldn't go up to any of the food counters without me by her side.  So we've come along way since she was a toddler?  We only had one row, where I did Bat out of Hell impersonation.  I'd just about had enough of conversations that went a bit like this.
Me "Are you ready to go out Thing One? You look lovely"
Her "yep"
Me "Do I look ok?"
Her "No-one cares what you look like"

or
Me "Can't wait to go to Dunns Falls"
Her "Not going"
Me "Why not?"
Her "Don't want to, only care about getting tan"
Me "Well, I'm not leaving you here so you'd better get prepared for it"

It was during one of the excursion arguements that I finally tipped over the edge and I vaguely remember flying across the room and landing pretty much on top of her, telling her exactly what I thought of her.  I wont repeat it on here as its not pretty!  Things improved thereafter and we went to Dunns Falls which was awesome, she  had a wonderful time.  They do make you perform like monkeys though...could do without that.  Revenge I think.  And who can blame them? Lets see now, we could make all these stupid white tourists stand in freezing water waving their arms about whilst videoing them. My only bug bear...rep told me trainers would be fine, but on arrival the other rep pointed at them and said "Why u wear dem, ya, no one else where dem, dey all wear the hire shoes?" The entire coach load of people all stood and stared at my feet and they were indeed all wearing water shoes. I pointed out that my rep had said it ok and she's "Ya Man, I seen so many people bad accident in trainers"  Thanks for that.  Made me feel just great as I was about to climb up a huge great towering waterful.  Ps If you ever go to Dunns Falls, trainers are just fine.
The food was excellent, so much choice.  The only horrible meal I had was on the Jamaican Night...shouldn't really admit to this but it was ick.  Picked up a triangular thing that looked like something in batter, underneath it was a label which read "Yummy".  It was anything but.  Like eating bits of old rubber.
Managed to read 2 books whilst away.  Envy by Anna Godsbergen and something by Jeffrey Archer which was surprisingly good and given to me by a Canadian man who has invited me to meet him in St Maartens in the Autumn. 
Enough for now.  Have more blog catch up to follow as lots of events have been occuring.  Some good some bad, mainly bad.  Haven't the energy for it right now.

xxx