Brighton, Romans and Russian Roulette

Morning fellow bloggers, tis pouring with rain outside and I have just woken with compelling urge to update my blog. Not that I've been doing anything especially exciting...apart from my trip to Brighton with 35 women on a coach, 35 drunk women and one drunk man who failed to make it back to coach at midnight to be exact. A fine time was had by all except the poor person who had to clean coach. That can't have been much fun oh and drunk guy who was found the following day in accident and emergency with broken jaw. Oh the joys of alcohol. He thinks he fell off a railing. That was a couple of weeks ago and I then had a weekend of doing nothing as I completely and utterly partied out. But now as December approaches I'm revving up again for festive season. I've also been trying to pull my routine back together as it fall apart over last year. The things have been going to bed when i do and thats got to stop. So, one night last week I actually got them in their rooms at 8:30 this a a great achievement. On the down side I did have one day this week when all was not well. Yes, it was Roman Day at Thing two's school, they have a history day once a year and they all have to get dressed up so I borrowed a very nice outfit and dressed her in it. Simple. Took her to school and all would have been well had she not refused to bring coat. So I took tearful thing two into the classroom to ask teacher if she could borrow a fleece or something from lost property when they went out to play. Big mistake. Could not believe what greeted me when I got inside the classroom. Yes, I was horrified, mortified out of my skin. For there before me was sight of classroom of children with most amazing outfits, jewellery, gladiator sandals, full make up, all the girls had the most elaborate hair. One of them had zillions of little plaits and her mother had actually sewn pearls randomly into it. One of them was sporting a wig and looked like she just stepped out of the colosseum. Thing two on the other hand was wearing knackered boots, flimsy white toga things that not fit that well and had not even managed to drag brush through hair. Anyway the guilt was too much for me I declared myself a failure and cried all the way to work. Then it occured to me that even if I had had the time and desire to sew pearls into thing two's hair I would not have been able to as she wouldn't have let me, she was too nervous and when that happens she acts most odd and in fact even getting her to put underwear on was a trial....she very difficult customer in the mornings. Need not have worried either as she came home full of joys of Roman times they had even laid on a fully fledged banquet of stuffed olives, quails eggs, piles of fruit, cheese, grapes and vine leaves. I tell you they do things differently over the border!
On a completely different note I have been thinking this week about the society we live in...and do you know what it occured to me that if I were Rhiannon (r&b singer form Barbados) I really don't think it was very responsible to bring out a song called Russion Roulette. Mark my words, someone will try it for sure then it will become a craze and kids will be pointing loaded guns at their heads in their lunchbreaks. So a little debate here. If that were to happen should she be held responsible, could her words be considered incitement to suicide? I think so. Let me know what you think in the comments box.
me xxx

Mums Wedding

After huge preparation and much anxiety over cakes, not me I might add, I always knew they'd be fine - I've had enough practise but try telling that to my Mum who clearly has no faith in me and continuously harrassed me on daily basis to see if I'd done them yet. As proof that I did do what I said I was going to do I'm posting photo's. Wedding Day arrived Saturday, I got up at ridiculous hour due to the fact that hot water coming out of tap at virtual trickle and had to start bath running hour before it would be ready for reluctant things to get in. Hot water now ok - well it would be wouldn't it now that event has passed. Had screaming match with thing one who wouldn't put dress on or wear white thing I got for her hair. Threatened her with instant death if she not put it on. I got to give Mum away so was proper part of ceremony which went very well. Was most amused when it came to Vic's unexpected vows. Went like this..."Do you Victor, Reginald, Richard, Arthur, Gerald, Lincoln, Dougal, Montgomery, Rupert Tadling take so and so to be your lawfully wedded wife. At end of ceremony he turned and pointed at his mother and said "It's your fault", this was followed by numerous chuckles from all the guests. His mother was a total scream, which I'll come to in a minute. Going into registry office was fine, coming out not so good when my mother in law got her shoe stuck to water grid, aka drain, grid came with her when she walked and it took 4 grown men to detach her from it. I reckon she did it on purpose...must remember this ploy when trying to attract man. We then all stood in freezing cold and I nearly got frost bite whilst photographer took more photo's than I considered necessary. Then he made us go to the park for more, think I was scrowling in most of them. We then all went in giant parade to the Chinese to eat copious quants of msg and odd looking stuff. Now as I said, Vic's mother was a total scream, took Prawn to the reception later in the evening and once seated she totters over to us in 4 inch heels, which apparently she has been wearing since she was 14 and now can't get her feet flat as they permenantly shoe shaped, even has to sleep in them. She's 83 years old and looks like a very thin version of Barbara Cartland, wrapped up in white fur. She clearly short sighted as she put her hand on Prawns arm, looked at me and says "you must be very proud of this one". Didn't have the heart to put her straight, so I went along with it, so so funny. Prawn now keeps calling me Mum.
There was a belly dancer for the cabaret, see photo's, belly dancer is friend of my mothers and usually uses a walking stick but seems to be able to get down on it and wiggle when called for. Among the other guests there were also 5 head teachers, one of whom is my God Mother, the rest are my mothers best friends. They not any old Head Teachers either, 2 of them are what they call "Super Head Teachers", the sort that go into inner city schools and turn them around. What I don't understand is as I've been surrounded by this intellect all my life how come none of it has rubbed off on me?? Just don't get it. She also had friends from her Art Class, Spanish Class, Victim Support, the Running Club and Oxfam. Needless to say most of guests were hers not his..except I have now gained 2 sisters, one of whom is wealthy accountant. They both perfectinists and they did the food, I later learned that they didn't actually cook the quiches or the samosas...tut tut. Accountant Sister is also bit of snob, and when she heard that some flat near her posh house were going to be used for social housing, she complained bitterly that it was so unfair that she'd have SINGLE MUMS and Eastern Europeans on her doorstep. All I can say is don't knock it till you've tried it. Am very pleased all round with the union. Fab party, didn't even mind the Status Quo. Thing two spend evening under table telling me she hate me as I had deleted her video which had used entire memory card in camera. She has since forgiven me. phew.
Mint x

Halloween Edition

Last weekend was the weekend of MY PARTY. You have no idea how stressed I got over the guest list. I invited random people, which on hindsight was a huge mistake. I also took an entire day off work to clean my house and decorate it. It was a few days prior to party that I started to get sense of forboding regarding guests. But as Oscar Wilde would say "The party was a great the success but the guests were dreadful". The guests that did come are now to be considered guests for life and will be getting extra nice Christmas cards from me with chocolate in them and the people that let me down especially her next door are to be viewed with great suspicion. I knocked next door on the day of party and asked her if she still coming and she said very deadpan "Nah, forgot". So I said "did you" in very questioning tone. She then said "We're going out". I not like her anymore. Consequently when I reversed into her car the other day, and I'd like to point out right her that I didn't damage it at all, but if I had I think I would have thought twice about owning up. Anyway not to dwell on that party was indeed great success, hysterically funny, lots of daft games including the Mummy Game, Wake the dead, the Marshmall game and of course the donut game, just to add an extra dimension to the donut game I bought chocolate filled ones, the chocolate ending up all over my guests. HA HA HA Thing two was allowed to bring a friend, who's father asked her when he came to collect if she'd had a good time and she said "Not the best". OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOh.
The Brownies had their own Halloween night as well which I attended and offered my services, ended up serving the food and cleanaing the kitchen. Brownies highly excitable and all was going well until the arrival of the Hornet, they all went beserk and started screaming. Brown Owl appeared with big knife and chopped it in half. Eeergh. SHe really is a top Owl.
My Mother also had her Hen night which was pretty good for a bunch of older ladies, I like all her friends except for one, her name is Bug Face and I really can't stand her, she managed to insult me twice in one hour but I kept if together for sake of my mother, would have rather like to have told her to bog off back to bugland where she belongeth.
Mint xxx

A Good weekend...finally!

It's sunday night and I'm watching the X-Factor after a fun packed but exhausting weekend. Last night I went to see the one and only Tom Jones at Wembley arena. Well worth the ticket price, he very very good. But have to say that I would've been happy if he'd just sung Delilah all night long over and over again as that was the one song that lit the whole arena up. Lots of arm waving and dancing. Bar - rip off £4.50 for glass of wine. Didn't stop me drinking it though. Must remember to smuggle some in next time. Ha.
On way home had a hysterical moment. Got chatting to some really nice German girls who's been back packing round Europe and were heading to Stansted to pick up Ryannair flight. Then she says "I have seen lots of people wearing red things on their jackets..what are zay for?" Took a while for me to figure out what she was talking about then Prawn prompted me "She's talking about poppies"
I says "Ah, those, um, um, what they are for it is well um...(I was thinking just spill the beans you boneless pillock) they are to remember the dead servicemen from the 2 World Wars"
"You mean all zee victims of war" she says looking confused
Me "Not exactly, just our soldiers,(decide to change tack) its big business, they made £38 million last year and have a distribution centre the size of a football pitch, the money goes these days to veterans of recent wars and the families of our injured and dead troops who's been in Afghanistan, we have a special day of remembrance as well"
Great relief and embarrassment averted. Phew. I then fell asleep.
Today I have been to Lakeside not for me I might add as I can't stand it there. All that stuff...urgh. I took Thing one and her friend Carrie. Once there I left them to it and went on a big wander on my own, went in Superslug and bought a mud mask but then remembered that you can get a 10% voucher off internet so didn't buy anything else. WEnt in Debenhams and tried every single perfume on and did entire face up out of testers before hitting WH Smith. Spent and entire hour perusing magazines without buying any, started with Christmas mags telling me how to dress my tree in 19 different ways, 101 ways with table settings and how to make penguin sweets etc. Then on to the higher end mags, which just pissed me off then I hit the sensationalist mags...hee hee they give me the biggest pleasure. With headlines like; 'Bullied at school because my parents are jedi warriors', 'I was brought up by kangaroos and now I can't stop hopping', 'I ate shell fish while I was pregant and then gave birth to a lobster', 'I was a suicide bomber now I work for the NHS', 'Jenny can't stop eating, she ate her own leg', 'Read my story Exclusive, I was chopping up carrots and my head fell off - find out how I cope without my body'.
On the downside and there's not much to grumble about today got stuck on M25 for 25 minutes but found a very old orange in my handbag and bizarrely enough it tasted ok. Thing two went to a Brownie sleepover last night - her dad took her and none of her friends turned up so she soo upset she had to go home. Uncle Vic came to put Thing one's wardrobe together and he fixed the mess that Forward Roll made including putting on all the plinths that had been missed off. Whilst he was doing that my mother cleaned my floor but by the time I got home the cat had been sick all over it. It has also munched its way through Thing two's Hob Nobs.
Till next time
xx

cats, cakes, traffic wardens

Sooooooo what has today been like? Bundle of laughs, not exactly no. My Mother came to help me clear an area of my front room which has been dumping ground for yonks and we set to clearing it. Rather I held things up and she confirmed my fears that I should put them in landfill. Hate doing that so much. Also she took a suit that I've worn twice and cost £75 to Oxfam. Oh the pain. But its a size 8. Want to cry. Whilst doing this exercise Lily the new cat decided that the Wedding Cake that my Mother had brought round for me to ice and that was on the kitchen worktop unattended would make a nice snack. My mothers face went from happyish to stricken in split second. The words lead balloon spring to mind. Tried to lesson mortification by telling her that it was nothing compared to what happened to my mother in laws 60th birthday cake that had been left in my care for all of 24 hours. This did nothing to alleviate things. Told her we would patch it up and pretend it never happened but she insistant that we put some sort of marking on the eaten bit so that person cutting cake and giving it out knows which bit is dodgy. groan. Immediately after this little episode I headed of on school run, got to stupid school to see army of traffic wardens along front of school and all the way up the side. Heavy congestion everywhere due to fact that about 200 cars all arriving to collect children and traffic idyits not allowing anyone to stop. Car park full and duputy head not letting anyone in. Had moment of madness and decided to dig heels in. Stopped in middle of road in front of 2 traffic morons and refused to move point blank. Just sat there and sat there holding up all traffic in front and behind, they say I causing obstruction I say not, I just here to pick up child and where else was I meant to go. I then pulled in front of gates and refused to move till deputy head let me in...which he did ....eventually. Lots and lots and lots of cars all hooting...can't imagine why???

Will elaborate on the Froll situation. On saturday after I'd had a wicked night in the Purple Emporer with the Prawn I went to Hertford to collect Froll who had offered to put up Thing one's new furniture due to ex-husband in mourning over loss of close friend...thats another sad tale. Now when I collected Froll I was dead pleased and most happy but by time I dropped him back on sunday I'd just about had Froll up to eyeballs. Why...was it that he picked all the courgettes out of the lasagne that I cooked him? Was it the body odour - he clearly not wear deodorant? Was it that he used the cereal bowl that thing two had left in garden as an ashtray? Was it that he put the FUCKING drawer fronts on WONKY? Was it that he told me he thought I was most beautiful woman Ever? (incidently I like it the first time he said it but after hearing it 75 times it started wearing a bit thin) Was it the fact that he bought 2 bottles of wine and drank one and half of them himself leaving me sober and him pissed as a fart? Was it that he not watch film but talked all way through it and kept staring at me and asking me if I ok? Was it that he kept me awake all night I continually had to keep asking him to remove his poxy leg off my stomach? Was it that on date two he'd fixed it up for us to a)go running together b) go to Dirty Dancing as my christmas present c) go to Cape Verde d) go to an auction together to buy my next car d)have a week on his yacht with my children down the Thames even though I told him they not get on he assured me they would love it (noooo they would hate it sooooooooo much) e) that he would valet my car f)we would do something special together over christmas g) can't remember but there was more. Or was it that he kept helping himself to my mouth wash but due to his dyslexia he not read label that states quite clearly Shake to Activate (its dentadyl and it comes in two parts) so he just swilling the clove oil round in his mouth - and ended up smelling of sausage rolls. OH God it horrendous. Or was it that he kept helping himself to my fags, smoking about a third of one, putting it out and throwing it away. I guess I could cope with one or two of these things but not all of them at me in one go. There was lots of other stuff as well, but these are just the ones that spring to mind right now. So last night when he called me (OOOPs just remembered another one. He phoned his little boy and put on the campest high pitched voice I ever heard come from human being...don't ask me why but that major turn off.) ah yes last night when he called I told him I not sure what problem was, that I not able to put my finger on it but I not feeling right about us. When pressed I told him he come on too strong and it too much. He not impressed and say he delete me from phone. But he did thank me for letting him know early on. Hoooooray.
Thats all for now folks.
xx

Another one bites the dust

I seem to be permanently a week behind on my blog entries and have a huge chunk of summer missing. Some of the highlights were to do with Michael, a party with a naked woman on a motorbike, the guys that I met round the bonfire who took me to their garden to show me their courgettes, insulting the shameless family, the Prawn and her IT department blocking her from using her e-mail account at work due to the Swedish Porn and countless other events which I may never get round to logging for future reference.
But I will backtrack to last friday, not the one just gone but the one before when the Prawn and I went to Hertford for a night on the Prowl, that would the night I wore my control knickers and looked a bit like rod Stewart. After asking my exhusband where was best place to go with lots of men he directed us to The Barge where I sat on a bar stool and met very nice man, who had a yacht, was single and rather nice. Within a few minutes him and his friends were escorting us to a club called Decco where we all got on famously, they bought all our drinks and we danced. The young man in question told me he loved to dance and that he'd been to stage school and that music ran through his blood and that he tended to get a bit carried away...he not kidding! But when he did a forward roll across the dance floor, got told off by the bouncers and I could barely stay standing cos my legs were threatening to buckle under me due to hysterical giggling I decided not to hold it against him, in fact in light of the Hitler episode still very fresh in my mind I figured it was a good thing. He shall be known from now on as forward roll or froll for short. So, me and froll got on so well that I decided to accept offer of date and we swapped numbers. In fact when the Prawn and I got home we decided that forward rolls were literally the way forward and did them across her living room floor in drunken fashion till the early hours of the morning when we collapsed with exhausted mirth and then woke with raging headaches and slutty smeared makeup faces. Best way to wake on a saturday morning. I just have to say that her forward rolls were far superior to mine. Mine ended mostly with me on my back like a very huge starfish in very tight leggings.
So, Froll and I went on a date to Loch Fine which is a really fancy new fish restaurant, we both had the seabass. And I came home on cloud nine. Full of hope and a warm fuzzy feeling that maybe just maybe this could be IT.
to be continued ....... xxx

Over rover.

Yipp yippy doooo It’s Friday AGAIN. How quick did that turn up.
I was going to publish transcript of the final conversation that I had with Secret Lover. Of course it is rather private but on the other hand I really do not ever want to forget what he said. It’s a bit like childbirth, our brains forget the pain and then we only go and do it all over again. So here it is in fully gory detail. This was all done by text, which accounts for it being particularly inarticulate by both parties, but it wouldn’t matter how you put this argument. Every word of it screams complete and utter ignorance, racism, inability to stick to the point, or string a meaningful argument together along with a total misunderstanding of History, the world we live in and the terrorism that we all face. Oh and he has a seriously overinflated ego. This all began after I told him I was disgusted by his choice of hero and not to bother contacting me again.

Him: "Ok that’s fine. God forbid someone to have a difference in of opinion to you! Thought you were smart enough to see that not everything is black and white."
Me: 28 million dead civilians caused by a psychopath is pretty black and white to me
Him: How many innocent people have the Muslims already killed? How many will they kill? If we had a modern day Hitler it wouldn’t happen he wouldn't let it
Me: I put Osama on the same lvl as Hitler
Him: He’s gutless and he hides away! Hitler didn't
Me: R u making that point in defence of Hitler
Him: I'm not defending what he did! I'm saying he stood up for his nation and what he believed in. Almost English person would love to be rid of the Muslims and for us to have our country back.
Me: He wasn’t even German he was Austrian and he wasn't just about ridding the Jews. He wanted world domination and the perfect race. Yr nephew wd not have faired too well. He blamed the Jews for Germany's crisis when in fact Germany was merely paying the price 4 starting and losing ww1. I do understand what you are saying about standing up 4 yr country but admiring a monster for whatever reason is beyond my comprehension. If I had known this before it would have been a lot more difficult to love you
Him: The world is full of sheep all following each other with no idea where they want to go! I am not a sheep and I am able to think outside the box not many people can do that
Me: Baaaaa baaaaa bleet bleet (not really). I actually said nothing whatsoever
Him: You can't love people who just agree with you that’s where you go wrong! I don’t agree with things you say but I respect your opinion. Anyway it don’t matter now I hope u meet someone and are very happy
Me: No but I cd not be wiv someone who's beliefs were so different from mine. Now go away and leave me b.
Of course am just very relieved that I have not been shagging a sheep although I think I might have noticed. Wolf in Sheep’s clothing more like. He's stark raving bonkers.

This is all a bit heavy for a friday so now I'm going to put it behind me and have brill weekend with nice man that I met in Hertford last week. Details of our meeting are yet to follow.... stay posted.
Minty xx