Pre Happy New Year Post

Happy New Years Eve.  A most poignant time of year for me.  It was exactly 10 years ago to the time and date that I was contemplating spending the Millenium on my own with a 3 year old for company whilst my husband went to a party.  This was even before the event a bone of contention and afterwards it always popped into my head like a huge resounding bell hollering the words to me "This aint right - this isn't the way it was supposed to be.  This is not what you signed up for.  This is not the way a good  marriage works".  Not that I want to dwell on it but watching the world celebrate alone with a candle, a box of chocolates and the TV is never a good way to start a decade.  But now I have another shot at it.  At the beginning of the week the Prawn said to me "Fancy doing something on NYE, maybe go to Steve's pub if I can wrangle an sleepover invite or my local has free roast spuds and karaoke", now this past decade I've resigned myself to dull family parties where everyone is over 60 or the local pantomime but this offer of company seemed to good to miss so I got a babysitter.  This morning however she sent me a text that says this "Just got your text.  Hav accepted offer of dinner out with Steve as didn't think you had sitter. Hope u find something to do.  Chilli man said asked after you and said to say hi".  Now, what do you make of that then?  Defeated I am not.  I am going out with Leggy Laine, who is Rachel Hunter lookalike and we're gonna rip the town up.  But I must analyse what has happened.  Now ex husband wouldn't give me an answer straight away - 0 points to him, but 0 points to me for not insisting he commit.  Lesson learned - don't be so vague and easily fobbed off.  So in her haste not to be alone she potentially left me alone without even my children for company. 
So...am popping a bottle of bubbly in the fridge, am going to stick some individual lashes on and start the year/decade as I mean to go on. 
You may have noticed that I've made some big changes to blog, blog is trusted friend and blog deserves a makeover.  It has gone all according to plan - the last post's text background is wrong colour and I can't get it back how it should be, still can't post links either and don't like header - tis big learning curve.  Am going to master html.
Let me know what you think in the comments box which is now open for comments and doesn't require notification.
Wishing you all the best on this prolific night of the year.
Mint xx
ps Secret Lover just phoned me to wish me a Happy New Year.  Wasn't expecting that....and whats more its made me very happy and I know it shouldn't but it has x

New Year - Almost

Almost time to say goodbye to 2009 and I can't say I'm sorry, its been a difficult year in many ways....but I am optimistic as ever that 2010 is going to be my best ever and if its not it wont be through lack of trying. In fact the whole decade has been rather fraught, I'm going to do the decade in What's Hot and What's not next wednesday.

Today though has been sweet. Thing Two under much encouragement from me did everything necessary to get her Hostess Brownie Badge. I cleaned the house - giving pointers as I went for her preparation, she did crisps, sandwiches, sweets, cucumber and pepper sticks, cheese and pineapple on sticks, cocktail sausages and cherry tomatoes followed by jelly and ice-cream. She laid on drinks - apple juice and orange juice and they played hide and seek and watched Coraline. She took their coats as they arrived and then loaded the dishwasher when they'd all finished. Very impressed. When I was in the Brownies many moons ago I dont recall even thinking about badges or getting my mum to help me, but this is fun for both of us. A couple of the mums stayed for a while for a gossip in my kitchen (lucky I cleaned up!) Then when they were playing I French Knitted her a two colour spiral carpet for her new dolls house. I'm trying to learn to crochet from tutorials on the You Tube - Have Crocheted a big purple mess.

I've got stacks of plans for 2010 and one of them is to pimp my blog.  Have begun by adding some listings of fav blogs and books read. Am going to make it more visual as well. Not planning on changing the content too much as for me my blog is where I come to record things for prosperity and to have a whine and sometimes just by writing things down I can see a solution or if I'm pretty mad it helps to dissolve any anger that I have. It would be nice to get some new readers but ultimately thats not what this is about. I blog with or without an audience - my viewing figures are testiment to that. There are some awesome and beautiful blogs out there that do craft and photography and fashion far better than I ever could so I'm sticking with lifes little drama's, but I certainly can make it more fun and pretty.
Am off to play on my Wii Fit (so funny - I seem to score a big fat zero on most of the games, not cos I'm unfit as such, although my Wii Fit age is 59!!! but because I can't figure out what I'm meant to be doing on it.
Ps - favourite book from list is India Knight's Thrift Book although I reckon she wouldn't like my blog - reckon she'd think I was up myself. Talk of up myself - received letter from a friend the other day - round robin letter with thumbnails photos of each of her 4 children on the heading and was addressed to Dear everyone, twas full of the words, "children, gifted, talented, grammar school, scholarship, wholesome, potential etc etc" no point in my sending one. I have nothing to brag about. Gonna whack some photos on here though cos If I can say one thing especially about thing one she is beautiful.
Mint x

What's Hot and What's Not

I'm trying something new today...in conjunction with another blog which I've been peeking at for a while now. I'd describe it as porn for Mums, especially harrassed mums. In fact the other blog is of great inspiration to me. I post link in a mo. Basically, every wednesday, although today is sunday so I'm out of sync, she does a post called what's hot and what's not. So I'm joining in. I'm hoping that my Whats hot turns out to be bigger than my What's not hot list. If thats how it goes then I know this week has been a success. So here goes.

What's Hot

Loobylu blog of course. http://loobylu.com/(have yet to work out how to do it as a link.)

Christingle - Christmas Eve at the Church in High Wych - so much better than the chaos of St Mary's at Churchgate Street last year

Christmas Day - great success - everything went well. Can't believe I'm writing this - this is so not the ususal. See snaps of table setting and tree and of course the new cat. Cat showed signs of confusion during present opening session.

Boxing Day - spent entire day festering on Prawns sofa whilst she served endless hot and cold party food accompanied by glass after glass of wine and then watched my favourite dvd 'Eyes wide shut'. As usual spent first half of film marvelling that director had managed to make Tom appear as tall as Nicole and speculating on height of shoes he must be wearing. Oh and think that he standing on box most of time.

Got a Wii Fit Plus for Christmas - I think this is good - it still in box.

The Things are behaving - but its only a matter of time.

Bought gorgeous black outfit in sales and stacks of stuff for thing two.

What's not hot
Arriving over an hour early at Christingle as someone told me it gets packed solid. This is a fabrication - it not packed at all and me and girls ended up spending an entire hour in company of just the vicar in coldish church surrounded by dozens of boxes of oranges.

Am now feeling like oversided rhino due to over indulgence especially on Boxing Day. Also went to the Sales today and saw old friend who I had acrimonious fall out with and became positively paranoid as she had strange smile/smirk on face. Concluded that she was smug that she thin and I'm not (I was when she last saw me), That she had nice coat on and mine resembled that of Michelin man. Have now vowed to only wear figure hugging jacket and am relegating warm coat to underbed. Actually - I rethink this. Not that vain. Am getting coat back out from underbed. No way I going to be cold. Don't care if I size of bus.

House resembles rubbish tip, all but my bedroom, so am retreating to this small enclave of order. Will have to sort it but am putting it off as long as possible.

Ran out of bread Christmas Eve and arrived just as Sainsbury's shut and had to watch last minute shoppers coming out with arms full of huge bouquets of flowers that Sainsbury's were giving away at 10p a hit. grrrrr...could've done with some of them and some bread of course....that would have been particularly good.

Slippers purchased for my mother and thing two turned out to be too small. So my mother nicked mine all day christmas day. Had cold feet. But hey - wasn't that kind of me.

Have had several moments of really missing Secret Lover - but there is no way I going back to that stupid man even if if is Christmas. Doubt he'd entertain me anyway unless I promised something spectacularly special and quite frankly I do not have the energy.

Well now that I've completed this, it is totally clear that I seem to gleam more pleasure from reporting traumas and things that go a wee bit wrong. Thats ok - I go with the flow... especially if it more interesting.

Till next time x

whooo hoooo 3 sleeps till Christmas. There's snow on the ground and I've got Christmas all wrapped up and under the tree. Turkey still in freezer - should read instructions really. Might take week to defrost in this weather. Have not driven car since last Thursday...scared of the snow. Walked all way to town yesterday with little rucksack on my back. Going was fun, coming back was total drag. Not as cold as my weekend though. Boy was that cold. Took thing two to Prague for weekend. So beautiful but minus 13. Counting my blessings that our journeys were so good as lots of flights cancelled on Friday. I got sat next to a ranting DJ on way out. Just grinned and beared it as he moaned constantly about cheap airlines, the weather, the uK, security and how the airlines are all (allegedly) racist. Just glad I'm not like that. Though I think I do moan quite a bit these days. Must try harder to not moan. Arrived in Prague jumped on first bus and then hit the metro and arrived in destination of choice. Wenceslas Square for Xmas markets, decided to embrace Prague totally and bought a sausage off a stall, yuk. Took big bit out of it and it bright red with yellow bits in it, yellow bits I suspect could be mustard, which I detest. So horrid. Put it in bin and went for MacDonalds as it too cold to start searching for anythign else and anyway we still had our suitcase in tow. Got in cab and made way to Hotel Gloria, considering room cost £40 for both of us for 2 nights including breakfast, hotel amazingly good. Clean, brand new bathrooms and TV and mini bar. Bargain of the year in my book - apart from Marks and Spencer 1p bazaar, which would take a lot of beating. Thing two and I still cold and slept in several layers, woke up boiling. Made a discovery which kept us amused for some time. THe duvets in the Hotel are spectacularly static. We went under duvet and had a light show. She very enamoured with breakfast, which I'd give 1/10, but she thought it was wonderful and ate tons. Decided to make most of daylight hours, went ice skating, disaster, I got on and promptly fell over and am still wearing the evidence in form of giant dark purple bruise on left knee. Thing two got cold and started crying so we headed for hot chocolate and coffee with Bailey's. Of course best way to stay warm in minus 13 is to walk and keep walking, so we walked across the Charles Bridge, buying things as we went (got to keep her spirits up). Straight up the gorgeous winding cobbled streets to the Castle for more hot chocolate and cakes. Jumped on tram and came back down, had KFC and then went for frozen boat trip. All passengers on boat huddled round gas burning stove on boat, all ignoring irritating commentary in 14 languages. More markets and then gorgeous meal. Was torn with what to choose from menu. Braised Cock or Pork Loins with roast peppers. Chose the pork. And that was that. Would give Prague 7 out of 10. Very nice but had not realised what that sort of temperature would actually feel like. We both wore entire contents of suitcase to go out in including pyjamas under clothes.
Rather sad to come home and sure know I'm back. LAst night the things had a fight, was vagually aware of small screams getting louder coming from kitchen, was waiting for finale of crying to appear in front room, which it did, in form of thing two claiming that she'd been dragged round kitchen floor by thing one, thing one claims she only tickling thing two. Thing two then rather incredibly took matters one step further and right in front of my eyes she picked up the cat and hurled it at thing one, cats claws got stuck in thing ones stomach, cat stayed stuck for some time with thing one going nuts and then chasing cat round house hollering at it and us. OH MY GOD. Things are no longer allowed to be alone in the same room. Not sure how I am going to get through the next 2 weeks at home with them. Went to bed with headache after numerous screaming matches with thing one, who I am most tempted to put in car and deposit with her father and let him deal with her.
Today I am taking thing two to the Museum to do christmas craft activities and then i think I might walk to Sainsbury's and do my Christmas food shop.
It would seem that my mother in law is planning on buying thing one a new coat even though she already has one which has had hardly any use and which I only just got out of the dry cleaners. MIL think coat that I bought not warm enough... thing one loved that coat and chose it herself from Next and it was not cheap.
mint x
Ps would still like to leave country. Do not know what the answer is but have established one thing. I am a good mum but a lousy dad.

Great weekend...not.

Almost Christmas and as usual life is up and down, good bits are that Thing two and I did a nativity re-enactment in the front room the other night on account of her not taking part in one at school, we have also made kimono paper people, and have been watching Kirstie Allsops homemade Christmas on TV and now have big plans in the soap and embroidered napkin department.
On the downside last weekend sent the scales tipping downwards till they were touching the ground and floundering in the mud. Woke up Saturday Am to whingeing thing two, my mother was coming to take her to the town for tea and cakes and her last phone words to me were “make sure she’s ready”. Failed by 10am in the morning. My mother turned up and thing two was still prancing round unfed, unkempt and in pyjamas, had enormous kerfuffle to get her ready whereby my mother kept threatening to go home if she not get ready, thing two having tantrums and rolling round whilst I wave toast and dress over her head. Totally lost it and told them both to get out whilst holding open front door. I then went to ready myself for big much anticipated night out in Covent Garden with the Prawn and her work colleagues aka Harlow Fire brigade. Discovered that new top smelt like moth balls so had to hang on line as no time to wash blessed thing. Thing one and I had massive row as I cooked fry up for myself and had not finished it when thing one want lift to town, was halfway through explaining that she should call friends and I would get her there in ten minutes just as soon as my mother and thing two come back. Thing one went berserk and said unthinkable things to me so she grounded, left her sobbing into pillow screaming obscenities and wailing profusely. My mother then returned from town in full social worker mode and said we needed to discuss very serious matters which we did at length, she want to know what I going to do about it..I unplug modem and tell her to take it home for 6 months. Eventually I got shot of everyone and completed getting ready. Literally jumped up and down with joy at being able to get on train and have night out. Unfortunately it not to be my weekend. Pulled into Liverpool Street and hit The Hamilton, nice pub, high ceilings, had glass of wine each, so far so good, she has another glass of wine I have a vodka and coke, so far so good, her work mates arrive, I have coffee she has another glass of wine, I ok, she on floor in loos completely pissed. I had had big fry up she had had bowl of porridge 5 hours previous. Hmmmmm. Spent rest of time talking to her work colleagues whilst passing soft drinks under door of her loo telling her to try and puke and then we could go, not to Belgo’s in covent Garden as planned but to MacDonald’s to sober her up with hideous cheeseburgers. She refuse to come out of loos till boss gone. She lay on cold floor long time. MacDonald’s quite welcome distraction.
Really really pissed off. Went to Covent Garden to shit pub, did not even see market. Even more pissed off. Home in bed by 10:30.
Had date following morning with Greg – primary school teacher, very nice man but no appeal whatsoever, except that he buy me bracelet from shop we went in oh and some cake and coffee. He rather small, weathered and had blown pupil. Not school student but literally something wrong with eye. Didn’t like to ask what happen to it, seemed rather rude, but think he should have mentioned it. It’s important.
Came home and had awkward scene with ex husband, he accuse me of burning roast potatoes, and that things had said I always burn them. Think he big tosser. Told him some home truths later on in evening. You’d think with all the things going on such as thing one’s exclusion and thing two’s spectacularly weird behaviour he could've kept his big gob shut about the potatoes. I can just hear it now.
Him “So thing one, why have you been bullying people at school then?”
Her “It’s mum, she burns the potatoes all the time, it’s awful, and she makes us eat them”
Him” I see, so thing two, you seem a bit unhappy at the moment, mummy says you wont do what you’re told”
Her “It’s her, her cooking is rank, she burns my potatoes too!!! Please talk to her about it Dad, make it go away.”
Him “with pleasure, here have a bag of crisps and a kit kat”.

I've got another weekend about to commence. It's going to be a good one...perhaps.
Incidently, I DO NOT burn potatoes. xx

Trials and tribulations

Yesterday I was sitting at work when my phone rang and it was the pupil support unit from Thing one's school, I was summoned to attend a meeting as Thing one had 'done something' clearly something unforgivable and worthy of an entire day in the special holding unit for pests. I think they call it off timetable but what it means is being kept under close supervision. So off I trotted at the allocated time where I was subjected to 45 minute lecture from head teacher and pupil support man about the dangers of the internet, cyberbullying which all began with head teacher explaining to me about Facebook and why it started (she reckons it was for families that found themselves miles apart - this is complete bollocks, it was created with students in mind.) She then progressed to texts (created apparently for the sole use of BT engineers) and then they produced evidence of thing one's inappropriate bullying behaviour on bits of photocopied a4. Sadly, it came as no surprise. They then proceeded to tell me how much damage had been done to Thing one's victim...before explaining that the police may be involved and that ultimately it my responsibility - not sure if they meant fault or responsibility. Anyway, I wont bore with all details and I certainly not condone thing ones bullying but I gotta say it was rather over the top. Thing one was then called in and was read the riot act and has been excluded for two days, these two days to be carried out in special naughty unit where 6 little criminals (that what it felt like) sit in small room facing front in silence being given copious amounts of tedious work to do. Their day is extended at beginning and end of school. Found it all rather traumatic and heart sinking. Thing one was white as ghost and looked horrifed by proceedings and protested that she not the only one calling the victim RAT SHIT. Not nice. Tried to get hold of ex-husband but he'd gone to bloody Gloucester. I have said that Facebook and MSN is off limits for 6 months. Deleted MSN off laptop but it keeps coming back - just can't get shot of it. grrrr. Upon collecting thing two from school she announces that her teacher wants to talk to me cos she'd called another girl a bitch. Well thats just great that is. Thing one has suddenly developed obsession with her German homework site - yeah right. Keep trying to catch her accessing forbidden sites but she too quick for me and clicks off them as soon as I get within 3 feet. I just deactivated her FB account - she not know yet.. am expecting ruptions and big tantrum.
HAve visited thing two's teacher - run out of energy to protest or even discuss to much length.
Spent entire evening last night plotting relocation to Dubai, found perfect school for girls, the Cambridge Academy for girls, which follows British curriculum, found gorgeous 3 bed pad half way up giant glistening tower in Sport City with communal gardens, sauna, olympic swimming pool and gym. And get this! I could actually afford it if I sold my house. Schools fees might pose a bit of problem - but hey this is only a dream anyway so I might as well get carried away. Then dreamt about job in custom pub which is on notice board at work which also happens to be beyond my experience and qualifications but it was a lovely dream. Just think, my girls would skip entire alcohol thing out there. Drugs would be pretty hard to come by too. Amazing work ethic. Crime rate spectacularly low and the beach and shops at the weekend. Worth working towards.
I guess things all balance themselves out -the night before disaster struck thing one cooked the family meal, which was so nice. She made fajitas with fried chicken, onion and peppers and salsa. She laid it all out on table for us to help ourselves. I very very pleased and had gone to bed thinking how wonderful she was. Ultimately no matter what they do I will still think they wonderful creatures.
mint x

Brighton, Romans and Russian Roulette

Morning fellow bloggers, tis pouring with rain outside and I have just woken with compelling urge to update my blog. Not that I've been doing anything especially exciting...apart from my trip to Brighton with 35 women on a coach, 35 drunk women and one drunk man who failed to make it back to coach at midnight to be exact. A fine time was had by all except the poor person who had to clean coach. That can't have been much fun oh and drunk guy who was found the following day in accident and emergency with broken jaw. Oh the joys of alcohol. He thinks he fell off a railing. That was a couple of weeks ago and I then had a weekend of doing nothing as I completely and utterly partied out. But now as December approaches I'm revving up again for festive season. I've also been trying to pull my routine back together as it fall apart over last year. The things have been going to bed when i do and thats got to stop. So, one night last week I actually got them in their rooms at 8:30 this a a great achievement. On the down side I did have one day this week when all was not well. Yes, it was Roman Day at Thing two's school, they have a history day once a year and they all have to get dressed up so I borrowed a very nice outfit and dressed her in it. Simple. Took her to school and all would have been well had she not refused to bring coat. So I took tearful thing two into the classroom to ask teacher if she could borrow a fleece or something from lost property when they went out to play. Big mistake. Could not believe what greeted me when I got inside the classroom. Yes, I was horrified, mortified out of my skin. For there before me was sight of classroom of children with most amazing outfits, jewellery, gladiator sandals, full make up, all the girls had the most elaborate hair. One of them had zillions of little plaits and her mother had actually sewn pearls randomly into it. One of them was sporting a wig and looked like she just stepped out of the colosseum. Thing two on the other hand was wearing knackered boots, flimsy white toga things that not fit that well and had not even managed to drag brush through hair. Anyway the guilt was too much for me I declared myself a failure and cried all the way to work. Then it occured to me that even if I had had the time and desire to sew pearls into thing two's hair I would not have been able to as she wouldn't have let me, she was too nervous and when that happens she acts most odd and in fact even getting her to put underwear on was a trial....she very difficult customer in the mornings. Need not have worried either as she came home full of joys of Roman times they had even laid on a fully fledged banquet of stuffed olives, quails eggs, piles of fruit, cheese, grapes and vine leaves. I tell you they do things differently over the border!
On a completely different note I have been thinking this week about the society we live in...and do you know what it occured to me that if I were Rhiannon (r&b singer form Barbados) I really don't think it was very responsible to bring out a song called Russion Roulette. Mark my words, someone will try it for sure then it will become a craze and kids will be pointing loaded guns at their heads in their lunchbreaks. So a little debate here. If that were to happen should she be held responsible, could her words be considered incitement to suicide? I think so. Let me know what you think in the comments box.
me xxx

Mums Wedding

After huge preparation and much anxiety over cakes, not me I might add, I always knew they'd be fine - I've had enough practise but try telling that to my Mum who clearly has no faith in me and continuously harrassed me on daily basis to see if I'd done them yet. As proof that I did do what I said I was going to do I'm posting photo's. Wedding Day arrived Saturday, I got up at ridiculous hour due to the fact that hot water coming out of tap at virtual trickle and had to start bath running hour before it would be ready for reluctant things to get in. Hot water now ok - well it would be wouldn't it now that event has passed. Had screaming match with thing one who wouldn't put dress on or wear white thing I got for her hair. Threatened her with instant death if she not put it on. I got to give Mum away so was proper part of ceremony which went very well. Was most amused when it came to Vic's unexpected vows. Went like this..."Do you Victor, Reginald, Richard, Arthur, Gerald, Lincoln, Dougal, Montgomery, Rupert Tadling take so and so to be your lawfully wedded wife. At end of ceremony he turned and pointed at his mother and said "It's your fault", this was followed by numerous chuckles from all the guests. His mother was a total scream, which I'll come to in a minute. Going into registry office was fine, coming out not so good when my mother in law got her shoe stuck to water grid, aka drain, grid came with her when she walked and it took 4 grown men to detach her from it. I reckon she did it on purpose...must remember this ploy when trying to attract man. We then all stood in freezing cold and I nearly got frost bite whilst photographer took more photo's than I considered necessary. Then he made us go to the park for more, think I was scrowling in most of them. We then all went in giant parade to the Chinese to eat copious quants of msg and odd looking stuff. Now as I said, Vic's mother was a total scream, took Prawn to the reception later in the evening and once seated she totters over to us in 4 inch heels, which apparently she has been wearing since she was 14 and now can't get her feet flat as they permenantly shoe shaped, even has to sleep in them. She's 83 years old and looks like a very thin version of Barbara Cartland, wrapped up in white fur. She clearly short sighted as she put her hand on Prawns arm, looked at me and says "you must be very proud of this one". Didn't have the heart to put her straight, so I went along with it, so so funny. Prawn now keeps calling me Mum.
There was a belly dancer for the cabaret, see photo's, belly dancer is friend of my mothers and usually uses a walking stick but seems to be able to get down on it and wiggle when called for. Among the other guests there were also 5 head teachers, one of whom is my God Mother, the rest are my mothers best friends. They not any old Head Teachers either, 2 of them are what they call "Super Head Teachers", the sort that go into inner city schools and turn them around. What I don't understand is as I've been surrounded by this intellect all my life how come none of it has rubbed off on me?? Just don't get it. She also had friends from her Art Class, Spanish Class, Victim Support, the Running Club and Oxfam. Needless to say most of guests were hers not his..except I have now gained 2 sisters, one of whom is wealthy accountant. They both perfectinists and they did the food, I later learned that they didn't actually cook the quiches or the samosas...tut tut. Accountant Sister is also bit of snob, and when she heard that some flat near her posh house were going to be used for social housing, she complained bitterly that it was so unfair that she'd have SINGLE MUMS and Eastern Europeans on her doorstep. All I can say is don't knock it till you've tried it. Am very pleased all round with the union. Fab party, didn't even mind the Status Quo. Thing two spend evening under table telling me she hate me as I had deleted her video which had used entire memory card in camera. She has since forgiven me. phew.
Mint x

Halloween Edition

Last weekend was the weekend of MY PARTY. You have no idea how stressed I got over the guest list. I invited random people, which on hindsight was a huge mistake. I also took an entire day off work to clean my house and decorate it. It was a few days prior to party that I started to get sense of forboding regarding guests. But as Oscar Wilde would say "The party was a great the success but the guests were dreadful". The guests that did come are now to be considered guests for life and will be getting extra nice Christmas cards from me with chocolate in them and the people that let me down especially her next door are to be viewed with great suspicion. I knocked next door on the day of party and asked her if she still coming and she said very deadpan "Nah, forgot". So I said "did you" in very questioning tone. She then said "We're going out". I not like her anymore. Consequently when I reversed into her car the other day, and I'd like to point out right her that I didn't damage it at all, but if I had I think I would have thought twice about owning up. Anyway not to dwell on that party was indeed great success, hysterically funny, lots of daft games including the Mummy Game, Wake the dead, the Marshmall game and of course the donut game, just to add an extra dimension to the donut game I bought chocolate filled ones, the chocolate ending up all over my guests. HA HA HA Thing two was allowed to bring a friend, who's father asked her when he came to collect if she'd had a good time and she said "Not the best". OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOh.
The Brownies had their own Halloween night as well which I attended and offered my services, ended up serving the food and cleanaing the kitchen. Brownies highly excitable and all was going well until the arrival of the Hornet, they all went beserk and started screaming. Brown Owl appeared with big knife and chopped it in half. Eeergh. SHe really is a top Owl.
My Mother also had her Hen night which was pretty good for a bunch of older ladies, I like all her friends except for one, her name is Bug Face and I really can't stand her, she managed to insult me twice in one hour but I kept if together for sake of my mother, would have rather like to have told her to bog off back to bugland where she belongeth.
Mint xxx

A Good weekend...finally!

It's sunday night and I'm watching the X-Factor after a fun packed but exhausting weekend. Last night I went to see the one and only Tom Jones at Wembley arena. Well worth the ticket price, he very very good. But have to say that I would've been happy if he'd just sung Delilah all night long over and over again as that was the one song that lit the whole arena up. Lots of arm waving and dancing. Bar - rip off £4.50 for glass of wine. Didn't stop me drinking it though. Must remember to smuggle some in next time. Ha.
On way home had a hysterical moment. Got chatting to some really nice German girls who's been back packing round Europe and were heading to Stansted to pick up Ryannair flight. Then she says "I have seen lots of people wearing red things on their jackets..what are zay for?" Took a while for me to figure out what she was talking about then Prawn prompted me "She's talking about poppies"
I says "Ah, those, um, um, what they are for it is well um...(I was thinking just spill the beans you boneless pillock) they are to remember the dead servicemen from the 2 World Wars"
"You mean all zee victims of war" she says looking confused
Me "Not exactly, just our soldiers,(decide to change tack) its big business, they made £38 million last year and have a distribution centre the size of a football pitch, the money goes these days to veterans of recent wars and the families of our injured and dead troops who's been in Afghanistan, we have a special day of remembrance as well"
Great relief and embarrassment averted. Phew. I then fell asleep.
Today I have been to Lakeside not for me I might add as I can't stand it there. All that stuff...urgh. I took Thing one and her friend Carrie. Once there I left them to it and went on a big wander on my own, went in Superslug and bought a mud mask but then remembered that you can get a 10% voucher off internet so didn't buy anything else. WEnt in Debenhams and tried every single perfume on and did entire face up out of testers before hitting WH Smith. Spent and entire hour perusing magazines without buying any, started with Christmas mags telling me how to dress my tree in 19 different ways, 101 ways with table settings and how to make penguin sweets etc. Then on to the higher end mags, which just pissed me off then I hit the sensationalist mags...hee hee they give me the biggest pleasure. With headlines like; 'Bullied at school because my parents are jedi warriors', 'I was brought up by kangaroos and now I can't stop hopping', 'I ate shell fish while I was pregant and then gave birth to a lobster', 'I was a suicide bomber now I work for the NHS', 'Jenny can't stop eating, she ate her own leg', 'Read my story Exclusive, I was chopping up carrots and my head fell off - find out how I cope without my body'.
On the downside and there's not much to grumble about today got stuck on M25 for 25 minutes but found a very old orange in my handbag and bizarrely enough it tasted ok. Thing two went to a Brownie sleepover last night - her dad took her and none of her friends turned up so she soo upset she had to go home. Uncle Vic came to put Thing one's wardrobe together and he fixed the mess that Forward Roll made including putting on all the plinths that had been missed off. Whilst he was doing that my mother cleaned my floor but by the time I got home the cat had been sick all over it. It has also munched its way through Thing two's Hob Nobs.
Till next time
xx

cats, cakes, traffic wardens

Sooooooo what has today been like? Bundle of laughs, not exactly no. My Mother came to help me clear an area of my front room which has been dumping ground for yonks and we set to clearing it. Rather I held things up and she confirmed my fears that I should put them in landfill. Hate doing that so much. Also she took a suit that I've worn twice and cost £75 to Oxfam. Oh the pain. But its a size 8. Want to cry. Whilst doing this exercise Lily the new cat decided that the Wedding Cake that my Mother had brought round for me to ice and that was on the kitchen worktop unattended would make a nice snack. My mothers face went from happyish to stricken in split second. The words lead balloon spring to mind. Tried to lesson mortification by telling her that it was nothing compared to what happened to my mother in laws 60th birthday cake that had been left in my care for all of 24 hours. This did nothing to alleviate things. Told her we would patch it up and pretend it never happened but she insistant that we put some sort of marking on the eaten bit so that person cutting cake and giving it out knows which bit is dodgy. groan. Immediately after this little episode I headed of on school run, got to stupid school to see army of traffic wardens along front of school and all the way up the side. Heavy congestion everywhere due to fact that about 200 cars all arriving to collect children and traffic idyits not allowing anyone to stop. Car park full and duputy head not letting anyone in. Had moment of madness and decided to dig heels in. Stopped in middle of road in front of 2 traffic morons and refused to move point blank. Just sat there and sat there holding up all traffic in front and behind, they say I causing obstruction I say not, I just here to pick up child and where else was I meant to go. I then pulled in front of gates and refused to move till deputy head let me in...which he did ....eventually. Lots and lots and lots of cars all hooting...can't imagine why???

Will elaborate on the Froll situation. On saturday after I'd had a wicked night in the Purple Emporer with the Prawn I went to Hertford to collect Froll who had offered to put up Thing one's new furniture due to ex-husband in mourning over loss of close friend...thats another sad tale. Now when I collected Froll I was dead pleased and most happy but by time I dropped him back on sunday I'd just about had Froll up to eyeballs. Why...was it that he picked all the courgettes out of the lasagne that I cooked him? Was it the body odour - he clearly not wear deodorant? Was it that he used the cereal bowl that thing two had left in garden as an ashtray? Was it that he put the FUCKING drawer fronts on WONKY? Was it that he told me he thought I was most beautiful woman Ever? (incidently I like it the first time he said it but after hearing it 75 times it started wearing a bit thin) Was it the fact that he bought 2 bottles of wine and drank one and half of them himself leaving me sober and him pissed as a fart? Was it that he not watch film but talked all way through it and kept staring at me and asking me if I ok? Was it that he kept me awake all night I continually had to keep asking him to remove his poxy leg off my stomach? Was it that on date two he'd fixed it up for us to a)go running together b) go to Dirty Dancing as my christmas present c) go to Cape Verde d) go to an auction together to buy my next car d)have a week on his yacht with my children down the Thames even though I told him they not get on he assured me they would love it (noooo they would hate it sooooooooo much) e) that he would valet my car f)we would do something special together over christmas g) can't remember but there was more. Or was it that he kept helping himself to my mouth wash but due to his dyslexia he not read label that states quite clearly Shake to Activate (its dentadyl and it comes in two parts) so he just swilling the clove oil round in his mouth - and ended up smelling of sausage rolls. OH God it horrendous. Or was it that he kept helping himself to my fags, smoking about a third of one, putting it out and throwing it away. I guess I could cope with one or two of these things but not all of them at me in one go. There was lots of other stuff as well, but these are just the ones that spring to mind right now. So last night when he called me (OOOPs just remembered another one. He phoned his little boy and put on the campest high pitched voice I ever heard come from human being...don't ask me why but that major turn off.) ah yes last night when he called I told him I not sure what problem was, that I not able to put my finger on it but I not feeling right about us. When pressed I told him he come on too strong and it too much. He not impressed and say he delete me from phone. But he did thank me for letting him know early on. Hoooooray.
Thats all for now folks.
xx

Another one bites the dust

I seem to be permanently a week behind on my blog entries and have a huge chunk of summer missing. Some of the highlights were to do with Michael, a party with a naked woman on a motorbike, the guys that I met round the bonfire who took me to their garden to show me their courgettes, insulting the shameless family, the Prawn and her IT department blocking her from using her e-mail account at work due to the Swedish Porn and countless other events which I may never get round to logging for future reference.
But I will backtrack to last friday, not the one just gone but the one before when the Prawn and I went to Hertford for a night on the Prowl, that would the night I wore my control knickers and looked a bit like rod Stewart. After asking my exhusband where was best place to go with lots of men he directed us to The Barge where I sat on a bar stool and met very nice man, who had a yacht, was single and rather nice. Within a few minutes him and his friends were escorting us to a club called Decco where we all got on famously, they bought all our drinks and we danced. The young man in question told me he loved to dance and that he'd been to stage school and that music ran through his blood and that he tended to get a bit carried away...he not kidding! But when he did a forward roll across the dance floor, got told off by the bouncers and I could barely stay standing cos my legs were threatening to buckle under me due to hysterical giggling I decided not to hold it against him, in fact in light of the Hitler episode still very fresh in my mind I figured it was a good thing. He shall be known from now on as forward roll or froll for short. So, me and froll got on so well that I decided to accept offer of date and we swapped numbers. In fact when the Prawn and I got home we decided that forward rolls were literally the way forward and did them across her living room floor in drunken fashion till the early hours of the morning when we collapsed with exhausted mirth and then woke with raging headaches and slutty smeared makeup faces. Best way to wake on a saturday morning. I just have to say that her forward rolls were far superior to mine. Mine ended mostly with me on my back like a very huge starfish in very tight leggings.
So, Froll and I went on a date to Loch Fine which is a really fancy new fish restaurant, we both had the seabass. And I came home on cloud nine. Full of hope and a warm fuzzy feeling that maybe just maybe this could be IT.
to be continued ....... xxx

Over rover.

Yipp yippy doooo It’s Friday AGAIN. How quick did that turn up.
I was going to publish transcript of the final conversation that I had with Secret Lover. Of course it is rather private but on the other hand I really do not ever want to forget what he said. It’s a bit like childbirth, our brains forget the pain and then we only go and do it all over again. So here it is in fully gory detail. This was all done by text, which accounts for it being particularly inarticulate by both parties, but it wouldn’t matter how you put this argument. Every word of it screams complete and utter ignorance, racism, inability to stick to the point, or string a meaningful argument together along with a total misunderstanding of History, the world we live in and the terrorism that we all face. Oh and he has a seriously overinflated ego. This all began after I told him I was disgusted by his choice of hero and not to bother contacting me again.

Him: "Ok that’s fine. God forbid someone to have a difference in of opinion to you! Thought you were smart enough to see that not everything is black and white."
Me: 28 million dead civilians caused by a psychopath is pretty black and white to me
Him: How many innocent people have the Muslims already killed? How many will they kill? If we had a modern day Hitler it wouldn’t happen he wouldn't let it
Me: I put Osama on the same lvl as Hitler
Him: He’s gutless and he hides away! Hitler didn't
Me: R u making that point in defence of Hitler
Him: I'm not defending what he did! I'm saying he stood up for his nation and what he believed in. Almost English person would love to be rid of the Muslims and for us to have our country back.
Me: He wasn’t even German he was Austrian and he wasn't just about ridding the Jews. He wanted world domination and the perfect race. Yr nephew wd not have faired too well. He blamed the Jews for Germany's crisis when in fact Germany was merely paying the price 4 starting and losing ww1. I do understand what you are saying about standing up 4 yr country but admiring a monster for whatever reason is beyond my comprehension. If I had known this before it would have been a lot more difficult to love you
Him: The world is full of sheep all following each other with no idea where they want to go! I am not a sheep and I am able to think outside the box not many people can do that
Me: Baaaaa baaaaa bleet bleet (not really). I actually said nothing whatsoever
Him: You can't love people who just agree with you that’s where you go wrong! I don’t agree with things you say but I respect your opinion. Anyway it don’t matter now I hope u meet someone and are very happy
Me: No but I cd not be wiv someone who's beliefs were so different from mine. Now go away and leave me b.
Of course am just very relieved that I have not been shagging a sheep although I think I might have noticed. Wolf in Sheep’s clothing more like. He's stark raving bonkers.

This is all a bit heavy for a friday so now I'm going to put it behind me and have brill weekend with nice man that I met in Hertford last week. Details of our meeting are yet to follow.... stay posted.
Minty xx

Friday, tails and Hitler

Yippppeee it's friday and I'm about to go out after eventful week. Tonight I have finally given in and got some leggings, well they're jeggings actually, suspect I look a bit like Rod Stewart but this is what people wear (well teenagers actually). I have also borrowed thing one's straighteners and her necklace that she got out of Primark. Shame my hair appointment not till Monday.
I am much deserving of night out after seriously acrimonious split with Secret Lover, I wasn't going to say what his revelation was as I would be too ashamed to say it if it were me but he unrepentant and we have had considerable arguement over it all done by text. So if thinks its ok to think like that then he wont mind me publishing it will he? What happened was when we got up on saturday he was singing if I ruled the world and I muttered under my breath. "if you ruled the world we'd all be in trouble" after a few minutes of telling me what he'd do to make it a better place he announced that Hitler was one of his greatest heroes. I had no idea how I was going to react and I reacted rather badly, evoked huge amount of feeling in me. By the time ~I'd driven away any affection I had had drained out of me, weird. It was actually a physical thing. Anyway, it's over, I have a transcript of a text session which I will publish next week. Just to remind myself..lest I forget and are tempted to start seeing him again. Don't suppose he's ever been dumped on moral grounds but hopefully he will realise that his opinions can turn people against him.
Other main event of week was to do with the gerbils. I was downstairs when I heard this shriek and after running up stairs I was greeted with tearful thing two cradling small gerbil with tail missing. Tail was down loo and all that was left of it was long thin exposed bone, it had literally fallen off like a glove. Blood everywhere, she'd tried to wash it in the sink. Thought I might faint but after phoning ex husband turns out this is normal. WEll wonders never cease do they! Our world is indeed a strange place.
mint xx

Grrr Get me outta this mess

Happy Saturday morning!
I am sat with my mother, we are shortly going to the church to have the new cat blessed. This morning I got up at 7:30 and went and got Lily a little cat carrier, a heart shaped bowl and a red velvet collar with diamonte studs on it. Am most looking forward to event. My mothers boyfriend has just put up my new blinds....was supposed to having new flooring put down in thing one's room but it hasn't arrived. I have decorated her room. This act came very close to total diaster when my mother came to help and we decided (I decided) to cover up the outline of the pink flowers on thing ones wallpaper before we painted it pink. So, I did the coving and handed my mother tin of undercoat, at no point did she tell me she was painting gloss undercoat onto my emulsion walls!!!!! So, you can imagine my surprise when after I painted it pink it was covered in giant darker pink spots where the emulsion had't been absorbed. I just stood there open moutheed staring in horror at total mess! Then we kind of fell about and I laughed hysterically, well it was either tht or cry. Today I am feeling somewhat out of sorts. Last night I went out with Secret Lover and stayed at his house last night. We had a really wicked night out..but this marred this morning when he made a revelation which turned my heart to stone. Not sure whether to reveal it in here. I personally would be ashamed to say what he said..let alone think it. It goes against the grain of any compassionate person. Anyone with an anounce of decency would not think that way and would think the entire opposite. I am appalled and not sure what to do. In fact I am withdrawing my support in all ways and would rather drink my own vomit through a straw than spend one more minute with him...I am that disgusted. So actually I do know what to do...as I've just said it. To tell him or not..that is the question. Perhaps I will simply pull back and cease to communicate. I am sure that he can live without me quite happily.
mint xx
Ps it is now 4 hours since writing the above. The time finally came to tke the cat to the church. Do you think I could find cat. Hell no. Cat vanished. GGGGGGR. Even more pissed off. Cat has since reappeared sopping wet. Cat not blessed.
Minty x

Back by popular demand

Hello, I am back by popular demand. Today one of my audience of approximately 3 indicated that they rather missed my blog, so I am back. Things sure have changed around here! Yep, I no longer have naps in the afternoons, they have been replaced by an hour of aerobics. No more ready made meals either, they have been replaced by cooked from scratch creations by moi! Things actually ate celery, leeks and some other vegetables the other day. Disguised as soup. I no longer spend hours on facebook or computer but have been going out for walks with thing two and we have a nightly read-in. I have a new cat. It is white and I found it in the street wandering about trying to get food. Invited it in and it has never left. Only has half a tail mind you. Cannot believe how filthy it gets.....keeps climbing up chimney. Her name is Lily.
My Mother is looking forward to her wedding. I visited the other day to see dress. There we were examining the hem when we realised that thing two had been very quiet. Any parent will tell you that this is a bad sign. Suddenly she appeared in the parlour (yes mother has a parlour) holding a bloody great croaking frog!!!! I nearly died convulsing! After much hoo haring we persuaded her to put it back in the pond where she'd got it. My mothers wedding plans are going well, she has managed to get most amazing dress from Oxfam. She told me she wanted everyone to be as relaxed as possible. No dress code or formality etc etc. She said she didn't mind what anyone wore or anything, then she asks me what I'm wearing. "Oh, my Ted Baker silk dress" I says. The look of disappointment on her face! OMG! "Doesn't it make you look rather busy?" she enquires "I was hoping you'd wear your races dress...." Well of all the cheek. So, I'm now wearing my races dress. Then she starts on my hair.
Her "How are you wearing your hair?
Me "Errr curly, I expect"
Her with look of total dismay "Oh, but it would look so much better up"
Me "But I feel nice with curls"
Her "don't you care what you look like"
Me....unsaid but I was thinking. Mother you are treading on seriously dangerous ground here. ~Think this is rich coming from some one who once wore vertical stripes on trousers and horizontal stripes on top, I actually refused to go out of front door with her until she changed. This was some years ago.
I am wearing hair curly whether she like it or not.
Secret Lover and I have had several fundez-vous. He has enlisted my help to try and get into politics. So, I have suggested that step number one should be to join the masons. HA ha Grafitti would be turning in his grave, if he were dead, which he is not, as Thing two saw him the other day and informed us all that he has a new cardigan. Grafitti considered that the Masons were route of all evil and that they baby sacrificing gang of peads and murdering illuminati.
I don't believe a word of it. Think they just rather eccentric organisation of professionals who consider themselves a bit superior who wear strange aprons and have odd codes of conduct. Think it would be good to get invited to one of their shindigs. I looking forward to it. Have some other steps for Secret Lover to tread for his career in politics. Before I go one last thing. Today I have had brace fitted to upper teeth so I now speak with lisps. Am unable to say the words; Brenda, Tracey, Chris or Rowena. People with L's in their names should be ok.
Mint x

Terrible September

Well, September has got off to what can only be described as a dreadful start. After our Canary Holiday in Lanzagrote and Tenergrife I came back, did my 8 loads of washing, made 12 jars of jam and existed in quite a peaceful and serene state for a week which then became an even more tranquil when Thing Two went to Whitby for a week with POD. On her return we had the build up to going back to school, which has obviously now happened but not without trauma, tantrums and massive failures on my part. Firstly, and all of this is the tame part, I forgot to buy polo tops, I'd forgotten that I binned the whole lot of them at tail end of last term in a bid to get thing two to wear the 6 dresses that I'd bought, I figured if I threw the winter uniform in bin she'd have no choice...this worked...well it would wouldn't it. God I'm clever!!! Anyway, I'd forgotten all about the tops. Bought new trousers, hairbands, skirts etc etc but when we came to lay it all out it was quite apparent that something major missing, so I phoned the shop which had just shut and literally begged them to reopen. They having none of it so we had to camp out at 8:45 on the first day of term outside shop with all the other twits that had done the same thing. Late on first day of term...entirely down to silly Mummy. Thing two had a birthday and I had the entire family round...this is where it gets interested. You see the day before Thing two's birthday I had the prawn round for sunday dinner and I phoned thing one at 6:00pm to tell her to make her way home for dinner...did she come, did she heck. Nope she turned up at 9pm in the dark after I'd spent 3 hours going potty, phoning people and generally having kittens. Her excuse for being late was that she'd been attacked by a tramp in WH smith!!! Her friend Gobby had told her that the tramp she was stood next to was a tramp and a pervert and Thing one had exclaimed and overracted. Which annoyed tramp greatly who got hold of her outside shop by her shirt and told her he might be a tramp but she was a tramp too and that she was a fucking bitch!! Thing one now scared of being in bed at night. Anyway after that she encountered some boys one of whom Gobby had been out with..this guy is called Jay and is 3 years older than them and by all accounts is a nasty piece of work, he smokes, drinks, has quit school and will no doube end up in prison before long, well there's a bit of a problem with him and his friends and it ends up with him chasing thing one, gobby and their two friends wielding a knife...yes a knife..all the way down to the train station. Thing one was picked up by a friend of mind and taken home. I was out at Much Hadham Fete, watching a dog show when she got back and feeling scared of being alone she'd gone back out again, Gobby lost her phone and the pair of them decided to look for it, hence lateness. Thing one spend evening in room with her dinner and is grounded for one week. The day after thing two's birthday I went to work and Thing one snuck out, breaking her house arrest only to turn up dripping wet at 3pm having been chucked in the River Stort. Yes I at end of tether...totally and utterly. At Thing two's party entire family spent whole hour lecturing thing one about her appalling behaviour.
More to follow....
Minty xx
Ps I am bundle of nerves

still in Tenerife

Well here I am again in sweaty casino where the cheap internet kiosks are. Been for lovely Italian meal today, last night was chinese, which we trailed across town for, right `past all the more upmarket and swanky hotels. Hotel Tropical Gardens rathe r alot nicer than Palm Beach Club. I said yesterday that the presentation was 5 hours long, and so it was but to be fair it was quite fair. I am reckoning that they profiled me and matche dme to sales rep with lots in common. Lynsay very nice and very like me so after 5 hours of chatting I was very at home in her company. I´ve also sussed that part of the sales patter is that they tell you they will get rocketed by the boss if you don´t buy or invest, this it to make you feel guilty. Then the boss comes over at the end and actually tells the sales rep off right in front of you and leaves a really sour note to whole experience. I care not. Lynsay just bought an Alfa Romeo T Spark so she´s doin ok. and Slime bucket boss from Surrey was just vile. I no feel guilty, and I told him I was there for the cheap holiday that they offered me and that I´d upheld my obligations and thats all that is required of me.
Can´t wait to come home. Want to see my secret lover.
the things have been really good today and they were pretty good throughout the 5 hr presentation yesterday as well. But I seem to have spent a ridiculous amount of money on eating out, so may have to be a bit more frugal for rest of hols. thing two had some cornrows in Lanzarote but we took them out yesterdya as they falling out and looking horrid. Also on last night in Lanzarote we went in club house and played Deal or No deal and drank (well I did anyway) loads a cocktails. Harvey Wallpaper Hangers and we actually won a prize...a jar of pasta sauce, some pasta shapes and a camel lolly. Then this woman from Newport (almost everyone there was from Newport) fell over and knocked herself out and they had to call for an ambulance. It´s all go in Lanzarote!! Thing two won the weeks colouring competition. Top Star Thing Two! Tenerife not as hot as Lanzarote. Lanzarote like furnace. In face our Road was called the Avenida de Cauldron. Ha ha. Gotta go, am over heating here and think I could do with another drink.
xxx
ps the sand here is dark grey and when its wet it goes black and sludgy. Girls love it.

Tenerife

well I´m still on my vacation. We are now in Tenerife. Had massive massive row in cabin of ferry en-route. Journey from hell . Felt like I was confined in cage with 2 wild animals. They have fought like cat and dog. They have been much better since only batteirng each other a few times since. If I was ever concerned that thing one was becoming anorexic I know realise I don´t need to worry. She is a total gannet and can easily out eat me at any given moment. I have never seen such consumption. Lost phrase book just when I needed it most at the port in Gran Canaria where we were held in limbo. Got the massive hump as whole place filled with machines for coffee, ice cream etc except that no change available and morons behind kiosks non cooperative. So have taken to speaking in English but just adding io on end of everything ie. changio, stupidio, cowio, tosserio, wankerio. you get the picture. Anyway here we are at our luxury timeshare accommodation, which i got at expensive of 100 pounds on condition that io attend presentation, which was today. OK guess how long it ttok? 5 hours!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yeah, but did not buyt one evenb when snake from Surrey got decidedly shitty. Gotta go time running out and am tired. xxxx

Canary Adventure

I am in an internet cafe in Lanzagrote. I´ve just stuffed myself and the things with amazing tapas. So good and total bill only came to 22 euros including drinks. It´s been spectactularly hot and I have gone and got as usual a wee bit of suburn. But as I bought this special aloe vera 100% lotion it shouldn´t be a problem. Apparently it cure pretty much everything. I have also got conjunctivitus. Bout right for holidays. This particularly holiday got off to a bad note but has settled down and we´re having a good time. The things drove me to complete distraction for the first 2 days, what with their stupid tantrums, swearing, fighting, moaning and general spoil behaviour. Threatened them with coming home early ... I really meant it too. Thing two succumbed to my nagging to go to the kids club and I went out and found another teenage thing and invited her to our apartment to play Klutz with thing one. (cut out paper dolls) Chloe goes to a private school in oxford and starts school at 8 and finishes at 8pm everynight, I suspect they have zero in common. They just sat and giggled for 10 minutes and then apparently after 20 minutes of being left alone they finally spoke to each other. God this is hard work. Thing two has cornrows, which have bits of sunburn in between them. A nice lady from Senegal did them. Apparently Senegal is quite close by. We managed to get ourselves to a very hot market the other day and bought lots of random items, incluidng the aloe vera stuff, a purse, a bracelet and a tile with the words lanzarote on it. Something else which iç can´t recall. I was then ill that night...too much sun, stress, and lasagne. Was proper ill in loo. I had also pulled muscle in shoulder and things being very unsympathetic. Twas round about this time that I issued threat. Shoulder much better as are my nervers. Managed to read my book for a whole 2 hours under palm tress today. Persuasion by Jane Austen. Anyway, we´re moving islands in a day or so, so will report back soon xxx

all manner of things.

Hello
It's been a while since I wrote on here. How neglectful of me. tut tut. Since I last wrote I have sold stacks of stuff on e-bay. Made up with Secret Lover, got dumped by Secret Lover 3 days later and we are now back on again. Last time I saw him was about one hour ago and it was definitely on. Talk about yo yo situation. I have no idea if we are going to Moscow or not but he promised to make me a blackberry cheesecake, so he's obviously planning on continuing as Blackberries aren't in season till end Aug and its only end of June. (Although he might not know this - he might think they're in season next week or something - so who knows!) Also, been attacked by raging rabbit, rabbit in deep shit. Got soaked by loads of Brownies whilst playing water games with them, but my team won so thats good. Made loads of raspberry jam with fruit from my garden. Made bunting for my garden as well. But garden still horrible mess, it's covered inrabbit poo and pot holes where rabbit keeps trying to escape. Had 2 dates with 2 different men. Have failed miserably to get a date for 4th of July so I'm going with my all time fave, gawjus and reliable person. It's me, myself and I. Have bought myself Ted Baker dress to wear. Just need shoes. I've had several crap friday nights,mainly down to the Prawn. The first one was when she dragged me to the pub, drank too much, picked up my drink and walk out with it informing me that we were going home. She then went upstairs and passed out. All by 8:30 on a friday night,leaving me on my own in her front room to amuse myself with her TV. Not impressed. The following week she said she'd comeout with me but then blew me out so I ended up in on my own. Then last friday she came round, ate fish pie a la Murph with me and we watched "Walk The Line" I suppose that passes for an ok friday evening. Both my dates with Jon and with Michael were ok, everything is just OK. I want a whole lot more than OK. Not sure what I want..maybe thats why I havent got it. Or have I, maybe I just want brief fundez vous with Secret Lover. Would like to get some sort of commitment from Secret Lover to supply me with weekly encounter, lots of kisses, occasional friday night together and sunday lunches cooked by either party. That would suit me fine. Oh and Moscow to be back on. Thats the thing though...casual commitment. Is that possible? Does that not defeat the object? Confused.
x
PS thing one is now eating breakfast again
PPS Michael Jackson has died, though I'm pretty sure everyone knows that.
PPPs My pod is getting married and every conversation we have is about weddings.
PPPPPs One of my recent dates has a piecing on his manhood. But I'm not saying which date. OMG. Am thinking that sex with him would be nerve racking. Would be worried his piercing would get entangled with my coil. So I doubt I'll be seeing him again.

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

And it gets worse. I am wondering if its just me or is everyone’s life filled with moments of fraughtness and conflict. I have to believe it’s the same for everyone.
Didn’t mention Secret Lover in my last post as this deserves a posting all of it’s own. On the Friday of my return I received a visit from SL, gave him his holiday present. Presented with the words “his and hers shells from the bottom of the ocean”. He chose the one he wanted and told me he’d been waiting for me to come back. We then snuggled up under my duvet and we made plans for a holiday in Moscow in the autumn. He also told me how his sex drive seemed to be dwaning (is that a real word or did I just make it up..oh whatever). He said that the previous week a girl had virtually chucked herself at him and he had felt no desire to go back to her house as she was requesting. So I said that’s good cos I want you all to myself. To that he gave me a kiss. Anyway…I then got sick during the week and was just about recovering on Wednesday evening and decided to text the following:
“If you free Friday night do you fancy doing something?”
This is what I got back!!! “Sorry babe, I’m staying round my girlfriends”. What fxxxing girlfriend...he might have had the integrity to mention it before. But thats him all over.
I felt the blood drain out of me and I honestly thought for a moment that I was going to die. But I didn’t. I’m still here. Although a wee bit of me did actually die. But then another bit grew, bigger, stronger and with more resolve. Instead of texting back I phoned the Prawn. Cried profusely down the phone. Then pulled myself together. He got no response from me whatsoever, but he did text back the following day “Sorry if I upset you”. Not very comforting is it? Not very informative either. Sooo what to do.... Am I bothered? Of course I am. So I phoned him and told him I am so not sharing. Also told I not want to be his girlfriend anyway even if he wanted me to be as I not trust him as far as I can throw him. I said that only way I would be with him is if we were married. All starting to sound like proposal of marriage instead of big dumping session so I then announced I no see him again. He's probably totally confused. Not confused enough to go and play tennis though. Thats what it said on his facebook this morning. So she can play tennis too.. Suspect she thinner than me. Odd isn't it. That the thought of him playing tennis with someone else is worse than thought of them in bed together. Thats because I can't even hit the bloody ball! When the ball comes towards me I duck or move out of its way. Think new floozy should bog off back to south africa, whence where I believe she comes from. She has washboard stomach. I hate her with vengeance. I have deducted all this from facebook.
I have not sat on my laurels though. No way sirree. I have a plan. I am in dire need of a date for 4th July, which is not that far off. I am going to posh event run by posh friends in the Village - that would be dream village where I am trying to ensconse myself. I have 4 candidates lined up. Would be escorts are: Jon from Stortford who is gas central heating engineer, 5'7, kids but not live with him. Sounds nice. Michael, who is tall and attractive but comes with 6 children, can only hazard a guess at what his hobbies are, he is local and has suggested I meet him friday with my mates and he will buy us all a drink. Could take this 2 ways. He's very generous or, he's crap with money. Then there is Scott. Chose Scott on a whim, he dressed up like a goblin in his photo. Figured no one else would look at him...he's very funny. I like. But think he may be a bit too old for me. Then there is spare guys. Apparently, he took another single lady to the 'posh function' last year and they had good time...need to find out if he still available.
Yours, from she who has so far escaped with dignity intact ie managed not to cry down phone or beg him to dump her for me.
Minty xx

Reality

Oh the joy of coming back to reality.

Came back home from paradise a week ago. The night before we came home, which would be the evening that we went snorkelling with the turtles POD experienced a panic attack at 4am, ended up trying to find some sodium bicarb from the security guards whilst she being sick in the loo, due to acid reflux, due to panic, due to too many puffs on her inhaler. Couldn’t get sodium bicarb so opted to talk about all manner of things in vain hope that I’d take her mind off it and hey presto it worked. Then took her for walk round the hotel grounds dressed in pyjamas…I was hoping for a glimpse of the monkeys but they did not materialise. Very sad to leave Barbados behind. And come back to THIS!!!

On the Saturday I went to Aunt Vivian’s 70th birthday party, taking Prawn with me as it said to bring ‘partner’. Got very confused by fact that ex-husbands entire family also going yet their invitations were for 2 hours before mine. What?? So turned up when I felt like it to find myself in the midst of a family wedding that I clearly wasn’t meant to attend…along with my pal. I had only gone and worn White… aaaaargh. Ex-husband’s cousin Catherine had got married to Gary in secret and decided to combine it with Vivian’s party. Place full of South Africans. Decided to get pissed and leave car there in church hall car park, much to the Thing one’s disgust. So chatted to several guests and secured lifts home for me, prawn and both things. Noticed at this point that ex husband had look of disapproval as he was witnessing this. I then noticed that lots of people had picnic blankets to eat their hog roast on so I got my sleeping bag out of the car…. Noticed that ex-husband expression starting to look like contempt. I then had major argument with thing one as she announced she wanted to go home early. Thing two got ex-husband involved…By this time I’d had 3 glasses of wine and was sprawled across sleeping bag. Now what did he say. Oh yes I remember.
He said “Why can’t you do as they want?”
Me “because I’m in charge, not them and I’ve decided that I’d like to stay and have a drink. You are supposed to back me up”
Him “well if you stop now, you could still drive home”
Me “I’ve had 3 glasses of wine”
Him “Yes, but you’d be ok”
Me “Are you suggesting I drink and drive with out daughters in the car?”
Him “This is not the place for you to be arguing with Thing one”
Me “I’m going to get some more wine”
Him (with look of total hatred) “What you going to do with this thing”(referring to sleeping bag)
Me “I’m going to come back and sit on it”
With that he took Thing one inside and left me to enjoy myself. Hooray. Now I remember why he’s my ex-husband. Embarrassed by a sleeping bag!! Hoot hoot.
Rest of party went with a swing. Thing one did not get her way. Ex-husband had to live with blue sleeping bag. I no longer accountable to him.
Mint xx

Post 3

Its the pen ultimate nite and I really do not want to leave. Went swimming with the turtles today. Oh wow. They gorgeous creatures. I touched one as it swam past me. Felt like bottom of a dirty fish tank. Got underwater camera so will hopefully be able to display them...if they come out ok that is. The crew on ship were delightful. According to pod whilst I was chatting to one of them the other was asking my POD if I was married etc. Got photo of them too. POD had a mishap though..one of many..to be described in graphic detail later..lets just say she swam to the wrong boat by mistake and had to be rescued...oh my!!! She got jitters and almost had asthma attack and decided not to get in withy the turtles which was our 2nd snorkel stop. Can't believe how that happened. She shoulda stuck with me - I like leech with the guy with the food for the turtles. She got in after having snorkel lesson - even though she is good swimmer and has snorkedll many times. I skipped that bit and jumped straight in..got more time with the fishes that way but got separated from her. Have decided she not fit to be let loose in future. She almosst losst her luggage on the way out as well. LEft it in area of airport unattended and then couldn't find it. Lucky it not destroyed by several SAS. GOD.
I got massive social whirl to look forward to when I get home. 2 parties this weekend. yeee haaa. Tis good to have stuff to look forward to. Things coming back on Friday. Am going to imposee new stricter laws on them...with tougher penalties if they break them... xxx

Post 2 from the Caribbean
Everytime I get as far as blogger after sending messages on facebook my internet time runs out. But here I am again. I started leading a double life almost as soon as I got here. This si due to fact that I kept sneaking off from POd to have a crafty fag. She blissfully unaware that I had been anywhere but in fact I'd been out making friends with people that smoke - as I had not brought a light. Anyway it got to the point where I fugured that she is 25 years older than me and when she was my age she drank and smoke and behaved just like me...so when the German Guy that I'd shared a drink and a fag with earlier in the day came and sat with me and POD I just lit up. Waited fro the doomy bit but it never came so I just carried on. Got a bit pissed the other day at the surfer bar and felt positively self conscious doing that in front of POD but since then have made some friends, but they went home today. booo hoo.
This island is awesome, there are monkeys in the trees behind the hotel. I went chasing after one the other day but it way to quick for me. Going to swim with the turtles tomorrow. Can't wait. Its so beautiful. sunburn gone and am very nice colour. News from home is that Thing two, who had developed obsession with catarpillars before I cam eaway is covered in rash as she allergic to them. The things have gone to Centerparks in France with their Dad. It was the organisation of having to get them ready for that holiday which was so stressful before I cam aweay. I had to organise 2 days of them going to school in my absence as well as a weekend with their dad plus pack for their holiday. Never done so much washing and ironing in one go. Thats 10 pairs of socks each, 10 lots of undies, change of school unifirom, one case for weekend and one case each for holiday not to mention school lunchboxes and brownies, twas nightmare. Got in big pickle. This also my excuse for forgetting to bring half the things I needed for this holiday. No worry though. Very very happy xxx

Adventures in Barbados

Yeeee haaa
I'm checking into my blog from the divine Barbados. Landed in paradise day before yesterday. Didn't get around to writing in here last week as simply didn't have the strength...such a bad week. Children based...aaaaargh. But here I am and loving every minute of it. When we arrived at Silver Sands Resort (which is down south - not on the posh strip) I rolled around in the sand cos I couldn't believe how gorgeous it was, I was then offered a joint by a couple of locals. Declined. Mainly in case my Mum caught me. Ha ha, some things never change. Unfortunately I got bitten all over by sand flies. Reckon they were waiting there with knives and forks and just as soon as they say me they said "on yer marks get set go!" I've forgotten my antihisitmine tablets - along with a whole load of other things I should've brought - including hair dryer, foundation, decent hairbrush etc etc. I'm here with POD and she got talking to some girls in the pool and one of them gave me 2 of here Benadryl which promptly knocked me out. Incidently one of them was called Titty. The mind boggles. I've also got sunburn...really should've concentrated whilst putting it on..it would be clear to anyone who looked at me that my mind was elsewhere whilst applying it. I've got 2 bright red kneecaps and bright red random patched on my chest. One of which looks just like a handprint.
Its been quite eventful, we went yesterday to some caves - I figured theyu would be nice and cool as my sunburn nice and bad. BUT we got on wrong bus and ended up in Tropical Gardens. Where I prompty fell asleep after dooing the blue trail. Fell aslweep on sun lounger surrounded by birds and butterflies. We then walked down big hill (calves are now killing me) and went into bar - where the atmosphere so bad that it spoke to me - it said "Getta outta me bar ya goddamn horribal foreigners". Left swiftly after purchasing bottle of diet coke which I managed to spill all over entire bar. Not that I regret that. We also had another odd experience there - I wandered off on beach on my own and this rastafarian surfing dude came up to me (he had only 2 teeth) and said "hellow dare, are ya from Kenya". I know...words failed me. Then he wanted my address. POD appeared out of nowhere and rescued me . pheew. We were only white people there due to fact that we got on local bus. Love this island though even if it full of strange people. This guy was walking behind us up the hill toward the church yesterday - he raning obscenities into thin air and we thought he was talking to us so we got a bit freaked (actually we started walking spectacularly quickly). ha ha. At top of hill he says in really nice voice "Hi, the bus stop is just over there". Food is wicked but we keep getting it wrong - we either not get enough of end of with piles of it...POD said if I eat what she eats I'll get thin - so I'm just letting her take charge of it. Don't feel very thin though.

Rollercoaster (that old cliche)

Yes, I seem to be flying through life on a rollercoaster at the moment. Happy sad, happy sad. Not due to some type of mania that I've picked up (God forbid - I'm truly sane, or so I believe) but no, circumstances.
Where to begin, at the beginning...nope not got that much time. I've got to get up and do the school run, less traumatic than yesterday I hope, Thing two pretended to be ill but I saw through it and spent my make-up/hair application time consoling and cajoling her into getting ready for school - no mean feat I can tell you. Have since seen teacher, who I trust will fix stuff. Bugger I'm going to have to finish this post later. There's more .. about the keys, about Shameless,about Secret lover Bless his gorgeous soul, about the funeral and rest in peace, about the book, about the Fountain. Later xxx
Back again..
Sad bit first, the funeral was sooo sooo morbid but the sandwiches were top notch. Saw lots of family but cried through entire service. ooops. Didn't expect to do that. Shirley and I had the same conversation repeatedly every time I saw her. Very sad that this will not be repeated apart from this one last time.
Me "hello Shirley, how are you?"
Shirley "Hello Judy"...
Entire family in unison in loud tones "It's not Judy, it's Julie"
Shirely "Oh sorry Judy"
Me "It's fine Shirley, honest"
Thats it. For Shirley I give my identity away..she was worth it.
The Book - I've been dipping in and out of Celia Ahern but have just finished 'When Love Walked' in by Marisa de los Santos. Beautiful, I've neglected so much to read this..couldn't put it down. Dinners have been burnt, toys left in the garden, I even read it in the bath. Book like a butterfly flittering through a meadow touching briefly on things as it wafts happily along. How poetic.
The Keys
Keys indeed, as you know I've been using an immobiliser code everytime I start the engine..pain in the neck.. Shame the garage didn't tell me it wouldn't unlock the petrol cap!! Nope, I didn't find that out till I was in the petrol station on empty getting more and more flustered and panic stricken. Luckily I made it back to garage and had arranged to see Secret Lover that afternoon so he came and picked me up. He then returned to see me the next day..my love is slowy rekindling, but don't think I could ever fully trust him. But plan to continue..he's looking for Mrs Right anyway, and I know its not me. Sad but true.
Shameless - well there I was on Sunday afternoon, the day of the Race for Life, the whole of my home town had an air of optimism, people smiling and happy, but did the mood last, not in our street it didn't. The air was sweet with the scent of blossom and cowslips and Thing one and I were basking in the sun when peace was interrupted by the shrieking of Mr Shameless going apeshit at Mrs Shameless who was no doubt cowering in the kitchen teary eyed being told she was fucking useless and a fucking slut over and over again. I felt this surge of cortisone running through me and for a minute wished I was a 6'4" strapping man cos I swear I'd have gone round there and rammed him into next week. But I'm not and cortisone is bad for your immune system so I let it pass with a vow to keep close eye on Mrs Shameless and middlesize Shameless, both of whom have developed a stoop. Baby shameless well dressed and gorgeous and bubbly, middle shameless dressed like tramp, lank hair, so thin, oversized coat over tatty footwear, pale over long limbs and dressed for the wrong season. She looks more like orphan Annie than orphan Annie herself. And when she comes into play with Thing two they play families and Middle Shameless always re-enacts her time in Foster care. So so sad. Mr Shameless once told me he was very protective of middle shameless...he's got a funny way of showing it.
The Fountain - check out photos they speak for themselves. Bit of escapism.
Oh and I nearly forgot about the spiders. An entire colony of spiders were born from their eggs in my bed!!!!!! OMG there were hundreds of them, they must hatched in the footboard and crawled up my duvet to greet me. They've been evacuated.
Mint xx