all manner of things.

Hello
It's been a while since I wrote on here. How neglectful of me. tut tut. Since I last wrote I have sold stacks of stuff on e-bay. Made up with Secret Lover, got dumped by Secret Lover 3 days later and we are now back on again. Last time I saw him was about one hour ago and it was definitely on. Talk about yo yo situation. I have no idea if we are going to Moscow or not but he promised to make me a blackberry cheesecake, so he's obviously planning on continuing as Blackberries aren't in season till end Aug and its only end of June. (Although he might not know this - he might think they're in season next week or something - so who knows!) Also, been attacked by raging rabbit, rabbit in deep shit. Got soaked by loads of Brownies whilst playing water games with them, but my team won so thats good. Made loads of raspberry jam with fruit from my garden. Made bunting for my garden as well. But garden still horrible mess, it's covered inrabbit poo and pot holes where rabbit keeps trying to escape. Had 2 dates with 2 different men. Have failed miserably to get a date for 4th of July so I'm going with my all time fave, gawjus and reliable person. It's me, myself and I. Have bought myself Ted Baker dress to wear. Just need shoes. I've had several crap friday nights,mainly down to the Prawn. The first one was when she dragged me to the pub, drank too much, picked up my drink and walk out with it informing me that we were going home. She then went upstairs and passed out. All by 8:30 on a friday night,leaving me on my own in her front room to amuse myself with her TV. Not impressed. The following week she said she'd comeout with me but then blew me out so I ended up in on my own. Then last friday she came round, ate fish pie a la Murph with me and we watched "Walk The Line" I suppose that passes for an ok friday evening. Both my dates with Jon and with Michael were ok, everything is just OK. I want a whole lot more than OK. Not sure what I want..maybe thats why I havent got it. Or have I, maybe I just want brief fundez vous with Secret Lover. Would like to get some sort of commitment from Secret Lover to supply me with weekly encounter, lots of kisses, occasional friday night together and sunday lunches cooked by either party. That would suit me fine. Oh and Moscow to be back on. Thats the thing though...casual commitment. Is that possible? Does that not defeat the object? Confused.
x
PS thing one is now eating breakfast again
PPS Michael Jackson has died, though I'm pretty sure everyone knows that.
PPPs My pod is getting married and every conversation we have is about weddings.
PPPPPs One of my recent dates has a piecing on his manhood. But I'm not saying which date. OMG. Am thinking that sex with him would be nerve racking. Would be worried his piercing would get entangled with my coil. So I doubt I'll be seeing him again.

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

And it gets worse. I am wondering if its just me or is everyone’s life filled with moments of fraughtness and conflict. I have to believe it’s the same for everyone.
Didn’t mention Secret Lover in my last post as this deserves a posting all of it’s own. On the Friday of my return I received a visit from SL, gave him his holiday present. Presented with the words “his and hers shells from the bottom of the ocean”. He chose the one he wanted and told me he’d been waiting for me to come back. We then snuggled up under my duvet and we made plans for a holiday in Moscow in the autumn. He also told me how his sex drive seemed to be dwaning (is that a real word or did I just make it up..oh whatever). He said that the previous week a girl had virtually chucked herself at him and he had felt no desire to go back to her house as she was requesting. So I said that’s good cos I want you all to myself. To that he gave me a kiss. Anyway…I then got sick during the week and was just about recovering on Wednesday evening and decided to text the following:
“If you free Friday night do you fancy doing something?”
This is what I got back!!! “Sorry babe, I’m staying round my girlfriends”. What fxxxing girlfriend...he might have had the integrity to mention it before. But thats him all over.
I felt the blood drain out of me and I honestly thought for a moment that I was going to die. But I didn’t. I’m still here. Although a wee bit of me did actually die. But then another bit grew, bigger, stronger and with more resolve. Instead of texting back I phoned the Prawn. Cried profusely down the phone. Then pulled myself together. He got no response from me whatsoever, but he did text back the following day “Sorry if I upset you”. Not very comforting is it? Not very informative either. Sooo what to do.... Am I bothered? Of course I am. So I phoned him and told him I am so not sharing. Also told I not want to be his girlfriend anyway even if he wanted me to be as I not trust him as far as I can throw him. I said that only way I would be with him is if we were married. All starting to sound like proposal of marriage instead of big dumping session so I then announced I no see him again. He's probably totally confused. Not confused enough to go and play tennis though. Thats what it said on his facebook this morning. So she can play tennis too.. Suspect she thinner than me. Odd isn't it. That the thought of him playing tennis with someone else is worse than thought of them in bed together. Thats because I can't even hit the bloody ball! When the ball comes towards me I duck or move out of its way. Think new floozy should bog off back to south africa, whence where I believe she comes from. She has washboard stomach. I hate her with vengeance. I have deducted all this from facebook.
I have not sat on my laurels though. No way sirree. I have a plan. I am in dire need of a date for 4th July, which is not that far off. I am going to posh event run by posh friends in the Village - that would be dream village where I am trying to ensconse myself. I have 4 candidates lined up. Would be escorts are: Jon from Stortford who is gas central heating engineer, 5'7, kids but not live with him. Sounds nice. Michael, who is tall and attractive but comes with 6 children, can only hazard a guess at what his hobbies are, he is local and has suggested I meet him friday with my mates and he will buy us all a drink. Could take this 2 ways. He's very generous or, he's crap with money. Then there is Scott. Chose Scott on a whim, he dressed up like a goblin in his photo. Figured no one else would look at him...he's very funny. I like. But think he may be a bit too old for me. Then there is spare guys. Apparently, he took another single lady to the 'posh function' last year and they had good time...need to find out if he still available.
Yours, from she who has so far escaped with dignity intact ie managed not to cry down phone or beg him to dump her for me.
Minty xx

Reality

Oh the joy of coming back to reality.

Came back home from paradise a week ago. The night before we came home, which would be the evening that we went snorkelling with the turtles POD experienced a panic attack at 4am, ended up trying to find some sodium bicarb from the security guards whilst she being sick in the loo, due to acid reflux, due to panic, due to too many puffs on her inhaler. Couldn’t get sodium bicarb so opted to talk about all manner of things in vain hope that I’d take her mind off it and hey presto it worked. Then took her for walk round the hotel grounds dressed in pyjamas…I was hoping for a glimpse of the monkeys but they did not materialise. Very sad to leave Barbados behind. And come back to THIS!!!

On the Saturday I went to Aunt Vivian’s 70th birthday party, taking Prawn with me as it said to bring ‘partner’. Got very confused by fact that ex-husbands entire family also going yet their invitations were for 2 hours before mine. What?? So turned up when I felt like it to find myself in the midst of a family wedding that I clearly wasn’t meant to attend…along with my pal. I had only gone and worn White… aaaaargh. Ex-husband’s cousin Catherine had got married to Gary in secret and decided to combine it with Vivian’s party. Place full of South Africans. Decided to get pissed and leave car there in church hall car park, much to the Thing one’s disgust. So chatted to several guests and secured lifts home for me, prawn and both things. Noticed at this point that ex husband had look of disapproval as he was witnessing this. I then noticed that lots of people had picnic blankets to eat their hog roast on so I got my sleeping bag out of the car…. Noticed that ex-husband expression starting to look like contempt. I then had major argument with thing one as she announced she wanted to go home early. Thing two got ex-husband involved…By this time I’d had 3 glasses of wine and was sprawled across sleeping bag. Now what did he say. Oh yes I remember.
He said “Why can’t you do as they want?”
Me “because I’m in charge, not them and I’ve decided that I’d like to stay and have a drink. You are supposed to back me up”
Him “well if you stop now, you could still drive home”
Me “I’ve had 3 glasses of wine”
Him “Yes, but you’d be ok”
Me “Are you suggesting I drink and drive with out daughters in the car?”
Him “This is not the place for you to be arguing with Thing one”
Me “I’m going to get some more wine”
Him (with look of total hatred) “What you going to do with this thing”(referring to sleeping bag)
Me “I’m going to come back and sit on it”
With that he took Thing one inside and left me to enjoy myself. Hooray. Now I remember why he’s my ex-husband. Embarrassed by a sleeping bag!! Hoot hoot.
Rest of party went with a swing. Thing one did not get her way. Ex-husband had to live with blue sleeping bag. I no longer accountable to him.
Mint xx

Post 3

Its the pen ultimate nite and I really do not want to leave. Went swimming with the turtles today. Oh wow. They gorgeous creatures. I touched one as it swam past me. Felt like bottom of a dirty fish tank. Got underwater camera so will hopefully be able to display them...if they come out ok that is. The crew on ship were delightful. According to pod whilst I was chatting to one of them the other was asking my POD if I was married etc. Got photo of them too. POD had a mishap though..one of many..to be described in graphic detail later..lets just say she swam to the wrong boat by mistake and had to be rescued...oh my!!! She got jitters and almost had asthma attack and decided not to get in withy the turtles which was our 2nd snorkel stop. Can't believe how that happened. She shoulda stuck with me - I like leech with the guy with the food for the turtles. She got in after having snorkel lesson - even though she is good swimmer and has snorkedll many times. I skipped that bit and jumped straight in..got more time with the fishes that way but got separated from her. Have decided she not fit to be let loose in future. She almosst losst her luggage on the way out as well. LEft it in area of airport unattended and then couldn't find it. Lucky it not destroyed by several SAS. GOD.
I got massive social whirl to look forward to when I get home. 2 parties this weekend. yeee haaa. Tis good to have stuff to look forward to. Things coming back on Friday. Am going to imposee new stricter laws on them...with tougher penalties if they break them... xxx

Post 2 from the Caribbean
Everytime I get as far as blogger after sending messages on facebook my internet time runs out. But here I am again. I started leading a double life almost as soon as I got here. This si due to fact that I kept sneaking off from POd to have a crafty fag. She blissfully unaware that I had been anywhere but in fact I'd been out making friends with people that smoke - as I had not brought a light. Anyway it got to the point where I fugured that she is 25 years older than me and when she was my age she drank and smoke and behaved just like me...so when the German Guy that I'd shared a drink and a fag with earlier in the day came and sat with me and POD I just lit up. Waited fro the doomy bit but it never came so I just carried on. Got a bit pissed the other day at the surfer bar and felt positively self conscious doing that in front of POD but since then have made some friends, but they went home today. booo hoo.
This island is awesome, there are monkeys in the trees behind the hotel. I went chasing after one the other day but it way to quick for me. Going to swim with the turtles tomorrow. Can't wait. Its so beautiful. sunburn gone and am very nice colour. News from home is that Thing two, who had developed obsession with catarpillars before I cam eaway is covered in rash as she allergic to them. The things have gone to Centerparks in France with their Dad. It was the organisation of having to get them ready for that holiday which was so stressful before I cam aweay. I had to organise 2 days of them going to school in my absence as well as a weekend with their dad plus pack for their holiday. Never done so much washing and ironing in one go. Thats 10 pairs of socks each, 10 lots of undies, change of school unifirom, one case for weekend and one case each for holiday not to mention school lunchboxes and brownies, twas nightmare. Got in big pickle. This also my excuse for forgetting to bring half the things I needed for this holiday. No worry though. Very very happy xxx

Adventures in Barbados

Yeeee haaa
I'm checking into my blog from the divine Barbados. Landed in paradise day before yesterday. Didn't get around to writing in here last week as simply didn't have the strength...such a bad week. Children based...aaaaargh. But here I am and loving every minute of it. When we arrived at Silver Sands Resort (which is down south - not on the posh strip) I rolled around in the sand cos I couldn't believe how gorgeous it was, I was then offered a joint by a couple of locals. Declined. Mainly in case my Mum caught me. Ha ha, some things never change. Unfortunately I got bitten all over by sand flies. Reckon they were waiting there with knives and forks and just as soon as they say me they said "on yer marks get set go!" I've forgotten my antihisitmine tablets - along with a whole load of other things I should've brought - including hair dryer, foundation, decent hairbrush etc etc. I'm here with POD and she got talking to some girls in the pool and one of them gave me 2 of here Benadryl which promptly knocked me out. Incidently one of them was called Titty. The mind boggles. I've also got sunburn...really should've concentrated whilst putting it on..it would be clear to anyone who looked at me that my mind was elsewhere whilst applying it. I've got 2 bright red kneecaps and bright red random patched on my chest. One of which looks just like a handprint.
Its been quite eventful, we went yesterday to some caves - I figured theyu would be nice and cool as my sunburn nice and bad. BUT we got on wrong bus and ended up in Tropical Gardens. Where I prompty fell asleep after dooing the blue trail. Fell aslweep on sun lounger surrounded by birds and butterflies. We then walked down big hill (calves are now killing me) and went into bar - where the atmosphere so bad that it spoke to me - it said "Getta outta me bar ya goddamn horribal foreigners". Left swiftly after purchasing bottle of diet coke which I managed to spill all over entire bar. Not that I regret that. We also had another odd experience there - I wandered off on beach on my own and this rastafarian surfing dude came up to me (he had only 2 teeth) and said "hellow dare, are ya from Kenya". I know...words failed me. Then he wanted my address. POD appeared out of nowhere and rescued me . pheew. We were only white people there due to fact that we got on local bus. Love this island though even if it full of strange people. This guy was walking behind us up the hill toward the church yesterday - he raning obscenities into thin air and we thought he was talking to us so we got a bit freaked (actually we started walking spectacularly quickly). ha ha. At top of hill he says in really nice voice "Hi, the bus stop is just over there". Food is wicked but we keep getting it wrong - we either not get enough of end of with piles of it...POD said if I eat what she eats I'll get thin - so I'm just letting her take charge of it. Don't feel very thin though.

Rollercoaster (that old cliche)

Yes, I seem to be flying through life on a rollercoaster at the moment. Happy sad, happy sad. Not due to some type of mania that I've picked up (God forbid - I'm truly sane, or so I believe) but no, circumstances.
Where to begin, at the beginning...nope not got that much time. I've got to get up and do the school run, less traumatic than yesterday I hope, Thing two pretended to be ill but I saw through it and spent my make-up/hair application time consoling and cajoling her into getting ready for school - no mean feat I can tell you. Have since seen teacher, who I trust will fix stuff. Bugger I'm going to have to finish this post later. There's more .. about the keys, about Shameless,about Secret lover Bless his gorgeous soul, about the funeral and rest in peace, about the book, about the Fountain. Later xxx
Back again..
Sad bit first, the funeral was sooo sooo morbid but the sandwiches were top notch. Saw lots of family but cried through entire service. ooops. Didn't expect to do that. Shirley and I had the same conversation repeatedly every time I saw her. Very sad that this will not be repeated apart from this one last time.
Me "hello Shirley, how are you?"
Shirley "Hello Judy"...
Entire family in unison in loud tones "It's not Judy, it's Julie"
Shirely "Oh sorry Judy"
Me "It's fine Shirley, honest"
Thats it. For Shirley I give my identity away..she was worth it.
The Book - I've been dipping in and out of Celia Ahern but have just finished 'When Love Walked' in by Marisa de los Santos. Beautiful, I've neglected so much to read this..couldn't put it down. Dinners have been burnt, toys left in the garden, I even read it in the bath. Book like a butterfly flittering through a meadow touching briefly on things as it wafts happily along. How poetic.
The Keys
Keys indeed, as you know I've been using an immobiliser code everytime I start the engine..pain in the neck.. Shame the garage didn't tell me it wouldn't unlock the petrol cap!! Nope, I didn't find that out till I was in the petrol station on empty getting more and more flustered and panic stricken. Luckily I made it back to garage and had arranged to see Secret Lover that afternoon so he came and picked me up. He then returned to see me the next day..my love is slowy rekindling, but don't think I could ever fully trust him. But plan to continue..he's looking for Mrs Right anyway, and I know its not me. Sad but true.
Shameless - well there I was on Sunday afternoon, the day of the Race for Life, the whole of my home town had an air of optimism, people smiling and happy, but did the mood last, not in our street it didn't. The air was sweet with the scent of blossom and cowslips and Thing one and I were basking in the sun when peace was interrupted by the shrieking of Mr Shameless going apeshit at Mrs Shameless who was no doubt cowering in the kitchen teary eyed being told she was fucking useless and a fucking slut over and over again. I felt this surge of cortisone running through me and for a minute wished I was a 6'4" strapping man cos I swear I'd have gone round there and rammed him into next week. But I'm not and cortisone is bad for your immune system so I let it pass with a vow to keep close eye on Mrs Shameless and middlesize Shameless, both of whom have developed a stoop. Baby shameless well dressed and gorgeous and bubbly, middle shameless dressed like tramp, lank hair, so thin, oversized coat over tatty footwear, pale over long limbs and dressed for the wrong season. She looks more like orphan Annie than orphan Annie herself. And when she comes into play with Thing two they play families and Middle Shameless always re-enacts her time in Foster care. So so sad. Mr Shameless once told me he was very protective of middle shameless...he's got a funny way of showing it.
The Fountain - check out photos they speak for themselves. Bit of escapism.
Oh and I nearly forgot about the spiders. An entire colony of spiders were born from their eggs in my bed!!!!!! OMG there were hundreds of them, they must hatched in the footboard and crawled up my duvet to greet me. They've been evacuated.
Mint xx