Post 3

Its the pen ultimate nite and I really do not want to leave. Went swimming with the turtles today. Oh wow. They gorgeous creatures. I touched one as it swam past me. Felt like bottom of a dirty fish tank. Got underwater camera so will hopefully be able to display them...if they come out ok that is. The crew on ship were delightful. According to pod whilst I was chatting to one of them the other was asking my POD if I was married etc. Got photo of them too. POD had a mishap though..one of many..to be described in graphic detail later..lets just say she swam to the wrong boat by mistake and had to be rescued...oh my!!! She got jitters and almost had asthma attack and decided not to get in withy the turtles which was our 2nd snorkel stop. Can't believe how that happened. She shoulda stuck with me - I like leech with the guy with the food for the turtles. She got in after having snorkel lesson - even though she is good swimmer and has snorkedll many times. I skipped that bit and jumped straight in..got more time with the fishes that way but got separated from her. Have decided she not fit to be let loose in future. She almosst losst her luggage on the way out as well. LEft it in area of airport unattended and then couldn't find it. Lucky it not destroyed by several SAS. GOD.
I got massive social whirl to look forward to when I get home. 2 parties this weekend. yeee haaa. Tis good to have stuff to look forward to. Things coming back on Friday. Am going to imposee new stricter laws on them...with tougher penalties if they break them... xxx

Post 2 from the Caribbean
Everytime I get as far as blogger after sending messages on facebook my internet time runs out. But here I am again. I started leading a double life almost as soon as I got here. This si due to fact that I kept sneaking off from POd to have a crafty fag. She blissfully unaware that I had been anywhere but in fact I'd been out making friends with people that smoke - as I had not brought a light. Anyway it got to the point where I fugured that she is 25 years older than me and when she was my age she drank and smoke and behaved just like me...so when the German Guy that I'd shared a drink and a fag with earlier in the day came and sat with me and POD I just lit up. Waited fro the doomy bit but it never came so I just carried on. Got a bit pissed the other day at the surfer bar and felt positively self conscious doing that in front of POD but since then have made some friends, but they went home today. booo hoo.
This island is awesome, there are monkeys in the trees behind the hotel. I went chasing after one the other day but it way to quick for me. Going to swim with the turtles tomorrow. Can't wait. Its so beautiful. sunburn gone and am very nice colour. News from home is that Thing two, who had developed obsession with catarpillars before I cam eaway is covered in rash as she allergic to them. The things have gone to Centerparks in France with their Dad. It was the organisation of having to get them ready for that holiday which was so stressful before I cam aweay. I had to organise 2 days of them going to school in my absence as well as a weekend with their dad plus pack for their holiday. Never done so much washing and ironing in one go. Thats 10 pairs of socks each, 10 lots of undies, change of school unifirom, one case for weekend and one case each for holiday not to mention school lunchboxes and brownies, twas nightmare. Got in big pickle. This also my excuse for forgetting to bring half the things I needed for this holiday. No worry though. Very very happy xxx

Adventures in Barbados

Yeeee haaa
I'm checking into my blog from the divine Barbados. Landed in paradise day before yesterday. Didn't get around to writing in here last week as simply didn't have the strength...such a bad week. Children based...aaaaargh. But here I am and loving every minute of it. When we arrived at Silver Sands Resort (which is down south - not on the posh strip) I rolled around in the sand cos I couldn't believe how gorgeous it was, I was then offered a joint by a couple of locals. Declined. Mainly in case my Mum caught me. Ha ha, some things never change. Unfortunately I got bitten all over by sand flies. Reckon they were waiting there with knives and forks and just as soon as they say me they said "on yer marks get set go!" I've forgotten my antihisitmine tablets - along with a whole load of other things I should've brought - including hair dryer, foundation, decent hairbrush etc etc. I'm here with POD and she got talking to some girls in the pool and one of them gave me 2 of here Benadryl which promptly knocked me out. Incidently one of them was called Titty. The mind boggles. I've also got sunburn...really should've concentrated whilst putting it on..it would be clear to anyone who looked at me that my mind was elsewhere whilst applying it. I've got 2 bright red kneecaps and bright red random patched on my chest. One of which looks just like a handprint.
Its been quite eventful, we went yesterday to some caves - I figured theyu would be nice and cool as my sunburn nice and bad. BUT we got on wrong bus and ended up in Tropical Gardens. Where I prompty fell asleep after dooing the blue trail. Fell aslweep on sun lounger surrounded by birds and butterflies. We then walked down big hill (calves are now killing me) and went into bar - where the atmosphere so bad that it spoke to me - it said "Getta outta me bar ya goddamn horribal foreigners". Left swiftly after purchasing bottle of diet coke which I managed to spill all over entire bar. Not that I regret that. We also had another odd experience there - I wandered off on beach on my own and this rastafarian surfing dude came up to me (he had only 2 teeth) and said "hellow dare, are ya from Kenya". I know...words failed me. Then he wanted my address. POD appeared out of nowhere and rescued me . pheew. We were only white people there due to fact that we got on local bus. Love this island though even if it full of strange people. This guy was walking behind us up the hill toward the church yesterday - he raning obscenities into thin air and we thought he was talking to us so we got a bit freaked (actually we started walking spectacularly quickly). ha ha. At top of hill he says in really nice voice "Hi, the bus stop is just over there". Food is wicked but we keep getting it wrong - we either not get enough of end of with piles of it...POD said if I eat what she eats I'll get thin - so I'm just letting her take charge of it. Don't feel very thin though.

Rollercoaster (that old cliche)

Yes, I seem to be flying through life on a rollercoaster at the moment. Happy sad, happy sad. Not due to some type of mania that I've picked up (God forbid - I'm truly sane, or so I believe) but no, circumstances.
Where to begin, at the beginning...nope not got that much time. I've got to get up and do the school run, less traumatic than yesterday I hope, Thing two pretended to be ill but I saw through it and spent my make-up/hair application time consoling and cajoling her into getting ready for school - no mean feat I can tell you. Have since seen teacher, who I trust will fix stuff. Bugger I'm going to have to finish this post later. There's more .. about the keys, about Shameless,about Secret lover Bless his gorgeous soul, about the funeral and rest in peace, about the book, about the Fountain. Later xxx
Back again..
Sad bit first, the funeral was sooo sooo morbid but the sandwiches were top notch. Saw lots of family but cried through entire service. ooops. Didn't expect to do that. Shirley and I had the same conversation repeatedly every time I saw her. Very sad that this will not be repeated apart from this one last time.
Me "hello Shirley, how are you?"
Shirley "Hello Judy"...
Entire family in unison in loud tones "It's not Judy, it's Julie"
Shirely "Oh sorry Judy"
Me "It's fine Shirley, honest"
Thats it. For Shirley I give my identity away..she was worth it.
The Book - I've been dipping in and out of Celia Ahern but have just finished 'When Love Walked' in by Marisa de los Santos. Beautiful, I've neglected so much to read this..couldn't put it down. Dinners have been burnt, toys left in the garden, I even read it in the bath. Book like a butterfly flittering through a meadow touching briefly on things as it wafts happily along. How poetic.
The Keys
Keys indeed, as you know I've been using an immobiliser code everytime I start the engine..pain in the neck.. Shame the garage didn't tell me it wouldn't unlock the petrol cap!! Nope, I didn't find that out till I was in the petrol station on empty getting more and more flustered and panic stricken. Luckily I made it back to garage and had arranged to see Secret Lover that afternoon so he came and picked me up. He then returned to see me the next day..my love is slowy rekindling, but don't think I could ever fully trust him. But plan to continue..he's looking for Mrs Right anyway, and I know its not me. Sad but true.
Shameless - well there I was on Sunday afternoon, the day of the Race for Life, the whole of my home town had an air of optimism, people smiling and happy, but did the mood last, not in our street it didn't. The air was sweet with the scent of blossom and cowslips and Thing one and I were basking in the sun when peace was interrupted by the shrieking of Mr Shameless going apeshit at Mrs Shameless who was no doubt cowering in the kitchen teary eyed being told she was fucking useless and a fucking slut over and over again. I felt this surge of cortisone running through me and for a minute wished I was a 6'4" strapping man cos I swear I'd have gone round there and rammed him into next week. But I'm not and cortisone is bad for your immune system so I let it pass with a vow to keep close eye on Mrs Shameless and middlesize Shameless, both of whom have developed a stoop. Baby shameless well dressed and gorgeous and bubbly, middle shameless dressed like tramp, lank hair, so thin, oversized coat over tatty footwear, pale over long limbs and dressed for the wrong season. She looks more like orphan Annie than orphan Annie herself. And when she comes into play with Thing two they play families and Middle Shameless always re-enacts her time in Foster care. So so sad. Mr Shameless once told me he was very protective of middle shameless...he's got a funny way of showing it.
The Fountain - check out photos they speak for themselves. Bit of escapism.
Oh and I nearly forgot about the spiders. An entire colony of spiders were born from their eggs in my bed!!!!!! OMG there were hundreds of them, they must hatched in the footboard and crawled up my duvet to greet me. They've been evacuated.
Mint xx

keys, venison and brownies

How most annoying..unable to upload photo's. Grrrr. But its been a bit like that this week. Yesterday my car keys just stopped working. Just like that. It's going to cost stacks to get new key then I have to have it programmed. Managed to persuade Renault to give me the immobiliser code but had to provide IDand vehicle registration. Bit difficult as I can't get car to start so had to walk. Set off and began to wonder why I hadn't taken my bike, but then decided walk along lots of nice smelling hedgerows was very good. Very good indeed. Discovered amazing smell coming from plant - bit like mimosa reminded me of all my childhood summers and holidays on beaches and camping all rolled into one. Delightful. It wasn't till I got back home,armed with code and minus loads of money that I discovered amazing scent was actually coming from me. Yep. My suntan lotion. Can't stop sniffing myself. How funny. Thing two was enrolled into the Brownies on thursday. She is a Leprechaun. She had to say her Brownie promise, which goes like this. I Promise to do my best, to love my God, to serve my Queen and my country, to think of other people and to do a keep the Brownie Guide Law. When asked if she knew what the Brownie Guide Law was she said a very definite "no". So they had to help her out. Bless. At least she was honest. After key episode on friday and upon realisation that keys gonna cost me I developed major rage which I decided to take out on the decking. Cleared whole area in 3 seconds of various bits of furniture, compost and assortment of plants and pots. Scrubbed it by hand to get rid of general filth and then covered it in evil chemical decking restorer. Which I then had to remove by scrubbing by hand as I not owner of hosepipe. Many buckets of water and 2 hours later I ended up covered from head to foot in sweat and black debris and on verge of fainting - felt like I'd run a marathon. After much needed bath I hit the pub with the Prawn who got completely lashed and I had to virtually carry her home. I on other hand completely sober. Whys that I ponders to myself. Apart from that only other event of week was that I attempted to cook Venison for secret lover. Dinner totally ick. He ate it anyway. Firstly, couldn't find my pestle and mortar to crush peppercorns and halfheartedly whacked em to death with a rolling pin before rolling venison steak in them. End result was that I chocked about 6 times whilst eating it. My creation was Venison Wellington, you had to make this stuff called duelluxe which consists of thyme of which I put far too much in, chopped onions, garlic and mushrooms fried till soft. You put that on some pastry (had to chop most of it off and chuck it as pastry had developed freezer burn in freezer) on top of a layer of pate, well I hate pate and I know he does too so I decided to put a layer of sage and onion stuffing in instead. Big mistake. He also hates mushrooms. Dinner absolutely revolting. Not coooking that again. Have since found pestle and mortar in garden, thing two had taken it to crush leaves with.
Byeeee byeeee

It's the weekend yippee

Have you ever tried putting an entire eucalyptus tree into bin liners? No of course not. Well I have. The council will collect tree provided its in a bag. ha ha ha very funny. They will collect in batches of 8 bags at a time by giving me an allocated time slot for collection. So far I've filled 7 bags and its made very little impact on pile of tree in garden. Garden is hideous mess. I have borrowed burny bin thing from Shamelss but am unable to get it to burn anything. Would make crap arsonist.
I've taken my thriftyness to new heights and actually bought pre-loved dress the other day and have been wearing it..you'd never know, except I keep telling people. Got big mouth you see...can't keep it shut. The thing is if I want a new car and holidays in the Caribbean I'm simply going to have to buckle my belt and stop spending.
Its been a rather sad week as EH's Aunt Shirley died suddenly in her bed. She leaves many sad people behind. RIP Shirl.
On the other hand its been bloody marvellous, I've had supremely effective visit from Secret Lover - who is now lamenting over being pushed out of way father of 2 and being bossed about by ex girlfriend who is demanding money by crateful. Think he should shut up whining and make most of it, we're not here long enough. Wouldn't say that to him though...he so unhappy.
I've made up with Malaria, life's too short to have enemies, besides she love me, so she says. I have also sold stacks of stuff on e-bay, found an old friend on Facebook who has invited me to visit her in Boston, US. Feeling a trip stateside coming on perhaps next year. So many places to go and not enough time to do it all. I've got invitations coming out of my ears at the moment, so nice to be in demand. On Thursday night I took myself and thing two along to Brownies and before I could help myself I found myself volunteering my services once a week to help them...so I shall be known as a unit helper. I feel myself drawn more and more to the village and would so like to live there. Think it would suit me so well would like little white cottage with roses round door where I would wear Cath Kidson aprons whilst make jam which will win prizes for miles around. I shall have open gardens where people will come and admire my Holly Hocks and buy cups of tea and cakes. I shall be chair of the WI and also be a Brown Owl whilst sitting of various committees organising fetes and charity functions. oh.
Did I mentions the Book Fair, I think I forgot, well it was very good. The Brain, Janet and I decided to try and get as many freebies as possible. Icame away with 27 pens, a frisbee, 2 footballs, 5 novels, a condom?, 3 notepads, 3 diaries, a higlighter, 4 stress toys, 4 keep for life bags, a torch and a bout a kilo of sweets and a piece of cake. Not bad eh? Also met Nick Cave (ex rock star) who has written crap book copy of which he handed to me whilst dressed up as rabbit. Got photo of that, will put it on tomorrow.
byeeeee
Mint xx

Tropical Paradise - here?

It's still the Easter holidays, which means that I don't have to do any school runs which can go either way, I get a whole afternoon of uninterrupted activity (usually housework) or I end up nodding off...today has been the latter. There I was reading/snoozing upstairs when thing two calls up to me "Can Raven come into play?" "of course", says I "Raven wants to see my gerbils". Alarm rushes through me...what if Raven eats them. "Err, I'd rather you kept them in their cage". Eventually curiosity got better of me and I went downstairs to take a peck, I mean peek at Raven. Was expecting to see trail of feathers leading from front door to child size black bird with enormous wingspan, preening itself with beak in my conservatory. Pleasantly surprised to be greeted by small boy human playing with Pet Shop toys. Decided to keep conversation to minimum in case I had tourettes moment and kept making involuntary bird quips. Or worse still, I might burst into song, "The Birdie Song" or "I believe I can Fly", or The Carpenters, "Close to You".
Had a nice adventure out of town on Tuesday, we went to Centerparcs. Found it rather nice..much better than expected, had been filled with intrepidation that might be extortionately expensive...not too bad. On arrival things and Michelle's things (we went with Michelle - separate cars) went to sweet shop and purchased for cost of £1.50 each a sherbet tube..that was all they could afford. I did take photo of offending tube but it not come out...conspiracy of centerparcs...all photos of expensive items self destruct in camera. They went off to play in park whilst Michelle andI had hour long coffee break. Hooray. She had a coffee mocha and I opted for regular coffee at half the price which gave me refills.. ha ha...can't help myself, been brainwashed by thrifty book. Coffee consumed we headed for Tropical Paradise swimming pool. Very hot and humid in there, felt quite faint at first. Full of very pale british people all slightly overweight, ony to be expected. Discovered lots of slides, went down big tubey slide with thing two, slid underwater and surfaced with feeling that I'd swalled 12 razorblades. Aaargh. Horrid swimming pooly feeling. Retreated to seats and comfort from pink towel then stuffed face with ryvitas and houmous. Am creature of habit. Also took dip in whirlpool, lasted exactly 15 seconds in there, before leaping out shrieking "oh my eyes, my eyes" actually in reality I was more discreet, it like sitting in bubbling heated chlorine/eyewatering acid. Then found hot wall.It's heated to 40degrees and you stand against it looking like total lemon. After tropical pool experience took things and Ellie on a pedalo, argued with my things for the entire 30 minutes about who will steer and who will pedal and where we should pedalling to. Must have made entertaining listening to all other pedalo occupants, who were gently wafting round lake. Exhausting. Was glad when that over. Had big lake walk. Saw hundreds of rabbits..ah. Villas that people stay in were bit of surprise. Not exactly villas, more like sixties prefabs. Then as you will see from photos we all bundled onto giant spinning swing. Much fun and frolics in playground before heading to Cafe Rouge for appalling service but really good value and very very nice Breton Poulet. Final act of day was spending lots of time roaming car park in small groups trying to find blessed cars, yelling occasionally, "you found it yet? or where are ya?" into darkness. Perfect day out...fell into deepest slumber ever once home only to be awoken by ranting texts of Grafitti. Made no sense whatsoever and have concluded that they may have been random song lyrics by crazy druggy lyricist? Perhaps..hope so, surely he can't be that mad for real. Am changing phone number.
Thats all for now folks. Am off to make dinner.
Minty xx